14 юли, 2018

Happy 4

So, I think I should write about the good stuff as well. I've been printing all day yesterday, starting to organize my schedule and what I have to do, responsibilities and all. 
You know how they say it's the little things that matter and that change your life. And how they turn out to be actually the most important. Like deciding to not go home that night, to stay and try to get to know him. To go out that night four months ago and see where that decision might take me. Even though I was so scared back then. Still am sometimes. 
I'm so used to us being here that when it's just me it's like the room is too empty. The bed as well. And since he is gone for the weekend I get to be on my own. Which is a time I love but I've always had thins thing about the weekends. Like... During the week people go to work and are busy. It's ironic how we try to find that special someone that will change our lives and all but we only get to spend like the rest of the day with them after work and responsibilities, when we are usually tired and worn out from the day. So the weekend get to be the highlight, when you get to wake up and not rush to actually get up, to make breakfast when it's noon already, to watch movies, go places, print, read books and whatever else comes to mind in between. 
I accidentally found a t-shirt I intended to wash but decide to sleep with instead because it smells of his perfume and him. In the last two weeks I have not slept all by myself and it felt even a little scary to turn the light off and stay all by myself in the darkness. 
This past week I've had too much time to think and to screw up which I am sorry for. Overthinking stuff usually has the negative effect. I think even if we fight about stuff we can work them out. But I'm also scared that we might not and don't want to risk fighting at all. 
Anyway, not that it's such a big deal or anything. But since I know you will read this eventually, I might as well say thank you for putting up with me and for being as supportive and as awesome as ever!

08 юли, 2018

Ranting vol. 2

So I keep saying I'm going to quit smoking and start training. I'm going to start eating healthily and go to bed on time (relatively speaking). I will also find time to read, write, research stuff, learn German. I've been saying those for quite some time now and have not done any of those things. I did try but trying is not the goal. I don't like being the girl who wants to do stuff but doesn't. I also don't want to feel sleepy and tired all the time due to my going to bed late. I liked getting up on time and not wasting the whole day contemplating what the hell I'm doing with my life. I also don't like the thought that I could have done things earlier and gotten better at stuff when I was a dumb teenager who did nothing more than to sit in front of her laptop all day thinking about what it would be like to be outside. Notice the irony. This is not the example I want to follow any more. So ... I won't. I'm done talking about what I'm going to do and will try my best to actually do it. And since those things grow like habits, I am also done talking about stuff instead of doing them.
I guess spending a month not working has made me not want to even get out of bed. I need a challenge and I keep finding some but can't seem to have them all to myself. Hence my getting tired of talking and wanting to get to actually doing something, striving for more, getting better. In a month I haven't accomplished almost anything, except maybe getting a little bit of knowledge about 3D printing. No wonder I feel like a failure. With this level of low bullshit tolerance I have, I'd be lucky to ever find a job I like, let alone not judge anyone who is not at least half as dedicated as I am to anything. I guess this is how 25 starts to feel a lot like 30 or even 40. Maybe the jokes are no longer jokes and maybe I should have done more stuff when I had the chance. But no, you can't study and work, you can't go out when it's late, you can't drive around the city. I've allowed all those things define me and now I got nothing better to do than hate myself for it. Because that's how habits grow and thoughts get stuck in your mind. By being constantly told what you can't do and who you can't be. I am. More of a quitter and a lazy ass than anything else lately. But who cares and what else is new.
P.S. Oh, at least I'm no longer drinking coffee, which is an accomplishment. Maybe that's why I feel sleepy but priorities say I'm better off. Yey me!