24 април, 2017

when i can't sleep

That other time when we were out with out friend it was almost impossible to look at you without feeling this ache in my chest. I remember not wanting to come at all because I knew it would be too much. Everything is lately. It hurt to look at you and do just that and nothing else. Just like it hurt to hug you when we were saying goodbye. 
You know, it also hurt when I had made all those perfect plans and even came back early so everything could be set up just so you can quit on me yet again. I barely made it home before I actually fell to the floor and cried for the first time in a long time. I cried and I felt so angry at myself for trying so hard and still not being good enough. I said some pretty harsh things then. And I totally blew it afterwards by finally writing down everything because you figured it would be too much to talk in person. Well, it still was. Which is why I cried again like the big baby I am. And I cried and wept for an hour and a half after reading what you had to say. I remember trying to find someone to talk to so I'd stop crying and would focus on something else. And then the days started coming one after the other until Saturday when I came to that lecture even though I could barely keep my eyes open. I stayed, I listened and watched and that same ache numbed me. I kept looking at you wondering if you'd look back and you did, time and again. Then we walked down the stairs as if nothing had happened and well, it didn't after all. 
I miss you, you know. I miss sending you pictures and asking you how your days was. I miss making plans because it's what I do best. If I wasn't so scared to actually start a conversation and of course I didn't know you were out playing I would have told you how awesome today was because I learned the other batch and I would have told you about the crazy idea of being a marketing assistant where you work. And yes, that will completely blow things over and will make me seem desperate. Which makes me hate myself for telling you everything so early when I'll be moving next month and things will finally start to happen. But in the same time I knew I never wanted to feel that misery of failed plans and being so disappointed in someone I care so deeply about. 
I would have told you that I will be moving out and I would have asked your opinion on work, on moving ... On everything really. I think I always make sure I screw up big time so I no longer have any right to make more plans, steps or whatever. Well, I did. And it's not even May yet. I would have told you that I even feel sad about moving so soon and questioning my decision. I'd tell you how it feels like all my life had passed here in this little room that somehow knows me all too well and will hold so much of memories. 
You know, I'd tell you so many things if I could. But at some point nothing I say matters anymore. Nothing I do matters either. My expiration date comes way too soon these days and I feel too sad to even be happy about the things that are happening. 

15 април, 2017

for handing you a heart worth breaking

Guess who is having a great week! Since it doesn't really happen that often and it won't last I decided to make a more permanent memory of this week so that I can come back to it after Sunday. I love my job, I exceed requirements and write guides. I am on top of my game, learning new things and having the world. In the mean time, I had an awesome weekend with my BFF where we talked till 7 in the morning, laughed a lot and well who needs sleep, right. I got awesome friends as a whole, my English classes are amazing and even though I'm pretty tired after work when I go there, they turn out to be fun and I completely forget that I'm tired and need to sleep. On top of that I thought the world will be falling down on me on Tuesday and it didn't. Well, it's not great in that aspect but it will either get better or worse and after having such a great week I'm waiting for the downfall and trying to prepare for it without ruining the happiness I gathered these days. My colleagues at work are also amazing and I love spending our breaks together. I got to see my one and only made of honor and she is also amazing. The whole thing may have failed but I got to be friends with this awesome girl and I can never ever regret that. My sis is also kicking ass at her new job. The other night we were trying to finish the puzzle I gave her for her birthday and listening to pop folk because... Well I wasn't in charge of the music. Then I finally got my diploma. It's been happiness overload for a while now I guess. Oh and today I got to drive my car and finally felt comfortable doing it, even if I never actually get my car to Sofia because of reasons I don't feel like writing about. 
I know this whole euphoric feeling won't last and the end of the week with my epic plans will be the end of it and of lots of other things. I've been preparing for it for a while now. I mean, I've been through a slutty period of my own (exaggerating a lot here) and I know that when it's not the right time there is nothing you can do about it. I'm just sort of sick of all the excuses people find not to make some effort and make things work. I would have. Hell, I have. Not that it turned out so great but trying beats the hell out of not trying any day. You never know when that thing you try might turn out to be the thing you needed all this time. 
Well, my epic plans usually crush and burn so may I not be as pathetic as usually and walk away without trying to fight for something that was never meant to be in the first place. Not now anyway. And with my luck, probably not ever.