14 юни, 2019

these five words in my head

I think I should remember to remind myself more often that me being here and doing this was a choice rather than the lack of one or the need to be doing something. I should remember every now and then what it was like to not be able to handle being outside for more than half an hour just sitting there and talking to friends. I should remember more often that little room with printed pictures and quotes on the wall and all the things I've lived through while being there. And mostly the fact that I survived despite all the times I thought my world was ending and that there was no point to anything. Or worse, there was a point but my messed up mind was too scared to go find it. 
I should also remember that I wasn't alone all the time and there were people who helped, some who made it worse. I should remember why I have all my tattoos and what they all mean to me. For the most part I have been throwing things away and trying not to admit that it all still matters as if it makes me a sinner that I do have a past. I should have saved some just for the sake of remembering, though this place would certainly hold much more than any of the boxes I used to have. 
I know how there should be a point to everything that happens in our lives though that point may sometimes be idiocy rather than anything else. I also know that those coincidences will never stop surprising me and making me wonder why is it all the way it is. 
Maybe I am putting too much on the weekend being this soul-searching time that will bring me back my inspiration. Maybe I need to be a lazy ass for those two days in order to finally have a chat with my grumpy self and decide to be a fighter again. Even if everything is already decided and into plan, I might as well go down fighting, you know. I might as well remember why I do what I do and why it matters. I also need to prep for my trainer interview tomorrow. It might be a back-up role for like 4 hours a week, but I also remember dying to just be given a chance to do that. Also, I prepared the most amazing handout to finish my presentation with and it felt great to do so. I just now rehearsed it as well and felt like back in Uni when I was explaining to my colleagues about writing and mental palace and I was wearing my glasses in order to seem more convincing and serious. Now I wear my new (well not so new anymore) glasses all the time. I feel like they keep me covered in some way, protected. Not just for what their actual purpose but from the people around me. 
It's good to know someone cares about it all enough to speak up for me. It's weird for people who don't care to be telling you they do but the two people I have there make up for that. Oh and the presentation has to be in English. I miss talking in English all the time. I even notice how I stopped using complex lexical expressions and I stumble looking for the right word sometimes. Hopefully I will figure out a way to fix that somehow.

21 май, 2019

in the dream that matters

Well, I already have my FB page for the jewelry and even made my first sale. Now I have to finish making the rest of the jewelry, takes pictures and hope people like them enough to want to wear them. I finished my German A1 classes and I still don't know my exam results. I was so excited afterwards that I managed to find some TV series to watch and came up with ideas how to improve and practice. Too bad I will be flying solo from now on and going alone(yes, I am complaining on purpose). 
On the other hand I got myself into so much work initiatives that i'm starting to get confused what was what and forgetting my English as I am studying German which turns out to be an added bonus. No wonder why I get so excited getting to write like two sentences email in English or have a call in English just to practice. I wish I could do that more often but beggars can't be chooses. As if it were up to me I wouldn't be spending 8 hours in the office and waste all my time and creativity away. 
Another thing worth sharing was the weekend with the fireworks. Ever since last year I've been dying to see the fireworks again and again and forever if possible. Too bad we missed the first night of fireworks but the other two were almost enough to compensate. Plus there were lots of adventures like walking in the forest, taking pictures, meeting new friends, playing games. Who knew strangers could be so fun and friendly towards other strangers. I used to love meeting new people and getting to know them. I still do, but not always manage to do so.
Sometimes I really miss being able to like not keep everything in boxes both literally and figuratively speaking. I miss being all over the place, pouring ideas, thoughts, feelings, expressing, trying to prove and show it all out. Because it wouldn't change a thing for the most part. Reflecting backwards I've stopped wondering, stopped analyzing, stopped reflecting, mostly because of the whole idea that it was all back then and doesn't matter now but it sort of does. If it wasn't for back then, there wouldn't be me. Hence I feel like listening to older Halsey songs, and older songs in general that will make me remember who I was back then and will give me a better perspective. Or rereading Shatter Me, mostly where Warner is involved (or coming up with my own equivalent of Warner in order to try and do some quality writing), also Mara Dyer though I haven't even finished the newer one, let alone reread the previous. See, in need of time once again. 
And the irony of things is people believe Capricorns have no feelings. You should see me crying on all Grey's episodes as they are the one thing I get to watch that gets me into this excited inspired state that I've been missing so much without even realizing it. So I think Capricorns feel it all in a higher state but manage to bottle it down in order not to drown everyone else. We let it simmer rather than boil (for the most part). Which reminds me of the dreams of drowning and waves all of a sudden that were yet another period of scary and exciting at the same time. I like to think that there was a point to all that and that point is not me going through yet another circle of hell. I like to think that it mattered and sometimes still does at least like a lesson, reminder of some kind the way it is for me and I also wish i could use that experience to help the way I used to search for someone to help me but I rarely get the chance. It will be justified in some way. 
It all a bit too safe now, too ordinary, too mid-life crisis - work, eat, sleep, work, eat... There used to be so much more. And there is every now and then. But how do you express it without comparing to what was and denying you even had a past to begin with. For a person that is so blunt and honest I really managed to not talk about things mostly because I didn't even want to admit that joking about it may have been a bit too much. Because then there is Grey's and the idea that some things are sacred and you don't joke about them. Then I remember staying until 5 in the morning and still going to my old job afterwards and talking about nothing and everything... It makes you wonder how much things changed. 
The funny thing is most people have no idea they made it into this blog for one reason or another and have no idea how much something meant. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if letting them know would change things for them, would make them learn something or even realize something. The funnier thing is I already have too much prejudice from other people to decide for myself if wondering about stuff makes me simply curious and self-reflecting or the worst kind of hypocrite. But then again, we all have a past, why deny it and why avoid it when it no longer means as much as it used to.
Oh and how much magic there is in being the only one awake at around 4 after midnight... I remember waiting for that time in order to write.