27 май, 2018

whatever it takes

I got to watch the fireworks again and even better, I got to do it with him. It's that simple sometimes and that awesome as well. 
Sure, everything is a mess, sure even I am at times with all this not knowing what I'm going to do or how I'm going to do it. But I'm enjoying every moment of this and still can't figure out what I have done to deserve it. 
And yes, we all project our past to our future and sure, lots of things seems scary from that point of view. In fact I think I've been doing that myself and I don't need to. What makes me crazy is exactly the holding back and the overthinking of stuff. Sure, it's what I'm used to doing because before I had to be and I wasn't allowed to do much. But now I am and I still can't get used to that. Maybe I need to unlearn some of the scary stuff and remind myself that sure, what happened before is a lesson, but it doesn't define me and should not in any way make me any less me. 
That said, I do remember as well, hearing you say that when you were sort of asleep. I also remember the smile that spread to my face when I was holding you after and falling asleep in your arms. You enjoying the fireworks and actually thinking about them, explaining how it would be better to see it, means the world to me. As does the fact that you include me in all the things you do. I'm not used to being this happy all the time and that is scary as well but it's good scary. It means that whatever happened to me before, not matter how bad, didn't manage to ruin me completely and I'm still me. I still get to feel this way about someone. And not just anyone. 
I may have actually been caught up in this girl thinking that every single thing should mean something. And even if it does, it's not in the same way I think it is. I can't help but wonder when did I become so insecure about everything. I'm so used to being on my own and not being enough or being too much that I've learned to actually be enough just for myself and now that someone sees who I am and is still around even after that... Maybe I should take it in another way. As proof that everyone else before wasn't my person and I wasn't theirs. And maybe now I am and he is. I wish I was this sane all the time. 
Well, all in all heaven couldn't be closer and I will not let my past define who I am anymore. Sure it has some effect, I guess and I will let that be, but it's like the thing with the songs. Every song has a coda, an ending, but that shouldn't make you enjoy the music any less. 
Oh and, I also need to stop whining about not doing anything and start doing it. Remember the five things ... Well, I still want it all.

13 май, 2018

is this freedom baby

I have this ritual to put things of people in a shoe box when I'm done with them (or they are done with me) and then keeping them in the back of the wardrobe. And I've been thinking recently that I've also put a lot of myself there. I remember being awfully cute, cheesy, romantic and had the need to say and do stuff that I now think are childish and embarrassing. It's like saying and doing all kinds of stuff to prove myself proved only to be a waste of time and I don't want to do that anymore. Or I do, since I'm thinking and talking about it but I'm scared it won't matter just as is never has before. So instead I make everything into a joke and don't take things seriously. I want to, but I don't. I must have learned a lot, I guess. 
At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if I post all the silly pictures I have of us or not, if I tell the world or not, if I tell you or not. None of that will change anything and will not make it more real or unreal, will make it more likely to end or not. That's the idea, actually, none of it is really up to me. Correction - it was. I could have stayed away as I had every reason to. I could have chosen to go home if needed. But I didn't. I stayed anyway, even though I was so sleepy and tired. I could have ignored all the messages and not go out in the first place but I didn't. 
The simple difference this time is... I'm already in it. Even without the posted pictures, the cheesy explanations, the cuteness overload moments which I hold back. That doesn't change the way things are. They just make me less of who I am when no one is around. Which is why this place exists in the first place - so I can let it all out and be a more controlled and balanced version of myself. 
And I'm having this ... Not exactly jealousy but... I sort of envy the people who have known you for a long time and were able to be there for you when you needed it, who were there to also share the good stuff. I also wonder if this version I know now is a result of all the previous experiences and how much of it is holding back thanks to learned lessons just like me. I wonder also if you have a ghost or not even though we all do every now and then. It's the things that happened and we were not able to prevent. The people that changed us and come to haunt us sometimes. And maybe also how much of what we do has already happened before. It isn't fair to be wondering such stuff as we all have history with people but still, my mind tends to go to strange places when left unsupervised. 
Basically, I think it gets scarier the more time passes because of all the shared moments and because of the growing attachment. Not saying it won't make it any less true anyway. And I can't get passed the moment a while ago when I was saying that as much as I enjoy this, it scares me to death and half of me wishes I never knew you existed, you said that you can go if I say so. If it was reversed, I'm not sure what I'd say or do. But would it be that easy really? That's the thing I guess, which is scary. It's okay when nothing ever means anything. But what if it does and what if it ends?
Silly me, of course, I've already been through enough to know things end and people survive anyway. That is why I miss the reckless and unapologetic version of myself. She'd never let all that matter as much and would be fine without all the cuteness overload stuff. This me, however, will learn in time that none of it matters as much and will be okay with being okay.