14 септември, 2018

keepsakes

Lately I've been deleting things, cleaning all my surroundings of the past. The funny thing is, I never delete anything just because I don't usually bother cleaning up my laptop, or my room, or my wardrobe, or anything really. But I did. I went through so many pictures expecting to feel some sort of nostalgia and to find it hard to say goodbye to all those memories but most pictures were full of people who are no longer part of my life anyway and it didn't feel like such a big deal after all. Because the past made me who I am today and I will be forever grateful to it, no matter how much shit I had to go through at times. 
Another thing also comes to mind. Why get rid of just pictures, when I can also go through all my boxes and get rid of them as well. I used to go through them every now and then thinking what my life would have been like if things worked out differently. But I don't anymore. Because if they did, I wouldn't have been here right now. Like ... If one single thing ruined the whole consequence of events I wouldn't have what I have now. 
Because for the first time in forever I feel like not spending a second away from him if not absolutely needed. I love going to bed with him, waking up next to him (and his hundred alarms), I love spending all my time with him. I no longer look back wondering what it could have been. I look back grateful that it didn't and scared of what my life would have looked like if it did. And I don't even spend that much time looking back at all because I am starting to like the idea of looking forward and imagining what I want my life to be like. And I like it very much, because I imagine it all with him. And funnily enough I got tears in my eyes while writing this last part because the reality of this, of actually feeling this way and wanting those things makes me both scared and excited. Scared that what I am imagining might not turn out the right way and excited of all the possibilities ahead. But then again, I didn't think my life turned out the right way before, or that I turned out right. Yet, I have this. And as small a milestone today is, it's one I appreciate while looking for the many more to come. 
Happy 6!

02 август, 2018

used-to-bes

Turns out I'm having a deja vu day of things long forgotten. Well not that long but sometime I just stopped noticing that the days are going by and that things don't mean as much as they used to. They do. For that me that was there at that time sure. But not for the me that is present now. I think the good thing about writing things down is you get to go back and look at them from a new perspective. To actually see all the effort, all the memories and not drown in them, but simply observe who you used to be and what you used to want. And how much you were willing to give in order to have those. I don't even visit those places that know too much. I no longer live in my old room and even leaving it wasn't hard. When the time came for tears I wasn't all that sad because I wasn't the person missing everything. I guess that is what I enjoy most about myself. I try and do my best to live in the moment, good or bad, and then leave it be instead of dwelling on it. Okay, I dwell for a while, depending but when I'm done, I'm done. 
The bad thing about writing stuff is the irony that those people you write about meant the world to you and are now people who you no longer even speak to. I remember wanting to celebrate my quarter of a century birthday with all the best people that I have. I did. Now ask me how much of them I see and speak to. And it's not me not trying. It takes two. And I've been trying for a while. I guess I now have the perspective yet again that nothing lasts forever and people have different priorities. Also, loyalty only goes so far too. The best of them are just a few I've know for as long as I remember and a few that I've known for a short amount of time but have made my life better for it and I am truly grateful to have them. 
I guess, excluding the rest of it, I miss the friendship part, knowing what is happening without seeing it on Facebook. And I guess people sometimes have the ability to make you feel like you mean a lot to them. In reality, actions do speak louder and I never meant as much. I think the appropriate conclusion should be that those said people shouldn't matter as well. 
It's the same as with my previous job. I didn't realize how bad things were until I saw someone treating me so well without me having done much in return. Ever since I've been comparing this feeling to everything else and it really isn't me. People are just careless because they think being there for others isn't as important. It is. 
And to top it off, a lot of self-destruction followed after that "I'm not good enough" stuff. It took a lot of digging and a lot of mistakes to fix what I never realized was broken to begin with. I had help too. My point is, we often think it's our fault that other people don't appreciate us, don't support us, don't love us back. Most of the time it isn't. And I used to feel sad for those people, unable to see what is right in front of them. But maybe it's their own fault and not mine. And maybe I'm better off with the ones that were here all this time.