15 октомври, 2008

No endings!

It's over. The addiction, the story, the magic... It is all gone. Where? Why can't I find it and get it back to me? Who did take it away? There is no answers for all these questions. But how can it just disappear? Damn it, I wand it back!
It was real, wasn't it? They were real. I saw then all through her brown chocolate eyes. I saw him. I saw his family. I saw the world she lived in without the vampires and with them. I've been with her. And after the happy ending there's nothing left. Nothing.What the hell is wrong with me? How can I say it's over? How can it possibly be over and gone? I don't want to live in a world where they are just a part of a story. I can't believe they are really just in the story and not in the reality. Yes, it is a better thing that they don't get to live in our world, because their story might not be one with happy ending, but still... The magic about them, all the good thing, all the bad thing... It's over.
Every time I try to read it again and to feel the magic... It happens. I feel it. But as soon as I stop I remember that their world would never be mine and I'll never get the chance to be like them, and that makes me be afraid of reading the book again.I don't want to be afraid. I want the story to begin again for me. It's just that... I'm afraid. Because after the happy ending, there's nothing left to feel. After the ending - all that leaves is the disappointment. Because we all want to believe that we would be heroes and heroines someday, but life doesn't work this way. We live our life the best way we can. Some people believe they are heroes. Other really are. But not in the same way, we mean it about the characters in the books. Because this other world is not real and it is invisible for most of the people. But the ones, who really felt the magic and the power of this illusion, they are the real heroes and heroines. They take the chance to go in the illusion and feel it, even when it hurts to get back to reality after that. They live in the reality, but they know about this other world. They realize that they would never get the chance to be like those characters, but still, they are not afraid to feel bad and lonely sometimes.

Reality is good. Reality can be a great place. But illusion is so much better. Even when it makes you feel bad, because it shows you what you'll never be, it's still perfect. Because the illusion is for the brave ones. The ones who are not afraid to feel so ordinary. They are not afraid to dream, to believe and to be different. Illusion is a pretty great place if you take the chance to really get in it. Looking at it that way I don't feel afraid. Even when I feel bad I realize that, without this illusion I would be someone else. Without this story I would still think magic is just for the movies. Now I know the magic is more than illusion.
The addiction to it and to my eclipse - the best thing that ever happened to me. The happy ending - there is no end as far as I keep feeling the magic about it. The illusion - this is what makes my world a better place to live in.
~Delays - No Ending

13 октомври, 2008


My voice is still the worst melody you've ever heard, isn't it? My face - picture of a freakin' crazy artist. Me - oh, that's easy - I'll never be who you want me to be. I'll never be perfect the way you mean it. I'm just me. Deal with it, damn it!!!
Nope, seems that I don't have the choice to say it out loud. Why is that? Because it's the damn true we are all afraid of. But why should I be afraid, when someday I won't be here anyway. Nobody will remember what I said. But still the words should never be said. The truth hurts people, so it should not be told. We should tell lies, and to expect lies, because nobody really likes the truth, right?
Well, I like her. Even if in the end of the day she's the one that tears me apart, because I've hidden it for myself. Truth is better then silence. Truth is everything but not bad.
But people tell lies anyway. They think that what you don't know can't hurt them. It can! It does hurt not to know.
So, I want the truth. I don't want to meet all the masks you wear. I want to know you, not the one you want to be. But the world I live in is full of people with masks. People, who are afraid of the truth and therefore are afraid to show their real face without the mask.Yep, I'm not saying I don't wear masks. I'm not saying everyone does wear one. What I mean is that I think truth must be told even if it hurts. I think we should all let our masks fall eventually and to show our friends who we are for real.
I think that life is too short to live it in the darkness. Too short to pretend you are someone else. With all this pretending we just forget to live sometimes.
Anyway, what do I know about life?
I'm just a liar, like all of us, right?

07 октомври, 2008

...what do you live for?

For over a month I had seen so much of her life through her eyes. I had seen her happy, mad, sad, desperate, going crazy, hurt, alone, in love...
How can I believe she is not real? I felt all of her pain when he was gone? I had seen all of her happiness and love when he was with her. I had seen the curiosity in her eyes when she first met him. I had seen him through her eyes and I loved them both like they are real. Like they are right here and I'm with them all the time.
I cried with her, I suffered with her, I smiled when she does, I laugh... How can I believe it's not real?! How can I believe it's all an illusion?! It's not fair!
I couldn't close my eyes without seeing them both happy, or wanting to be with her, when she was desperate and hurt without him. I live every moment of my life since I started all this wishing their happy end. I spent hours after midnight just to be with them. My addiction, my thoughts, my obsession... It's all about Twilight. I can't believe they are just a fictional characters. They must be real. They can't be just part of someone's imagination. Can they?
How will I believe? How will I keep my life without thinking if they are okay? How can I look at the night outside and not imagine this perfect story? How?!?!If this was not a normal ordinary world, they could really exist. If life was a fairytale, then we all would have happy endings and one Edward beside us. If we had happy endings there wouldn't be so many people who cry alone at night. If life was fairytale... But it's not.
And it's not fair! Damn it. I want it to be real! I want them to live and to have their damn happy ending in order to make me believe we all will have ours! But they might be better there... In the Twilight of their own story, where loneliness is just temporary and where happy endings always come.
And what about us? That's a stupid question to ask, I think. We belong here in the reality, where happy endings are maybe the greatest thing we could ever wish for. Here, where all we have to do is survive... In the eternal Eclipse!

02 октомври, 2008

One whole dream

"You just have to fall..." she said "...to fall..." I repeated "...fall..." again "FALL!" the voice inside of me screamed. So what else should I do? There was nothing else. No reason not to fall. No point of running. Everything left to one stupid question "Am I brave enough to fall? Do I believe there will be someone to catch me?" I knew there is someone. I knew I won't fall really. So I just fell...
Suddenly everything went black as soon as I closed my eyes. There was no fear or doubt, that I should have left on my place and not fall. It was an instant, but all my mind was out of the clouds and the eclipse. But I felt right. It's true, that I can't imagine me without my eclipse, but for that instant I didn't need the eclipse, to be me.

The fear came after... It made my breathing become uneven. My heart started beating too fast. I was numb and frozen. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. Like I was standing in the edge of reality and fantasy and all I had to do, to stay there was, to close my eyes and want this with all part of me. Then my thought get back with my dose of eclipse. Being away from my eclipse and then finally having it all around me felt so pure, so perfect. Every day it takes more and more of me and makes us as a whole.
The difference was, that there was something else with the usual satisfaction of the eclipse. There was that feeling of safety. I was save from really falling. I won't say I wanted to come back. If it was up to me, I would stay there forever with my eclipse, my real fantasy and my safety. But I'll find the way to get back there sometimes, just to feel it all in once. The eclipse, the safety, and all the missing pieces of me...

Linkin Park - Leave Out All the Rest