28 ноември, 2008

Story of the failure

I'm done! With all of it! I'm not trying to impress you anymore. You failed, remember?! You failed with me, you failed with us... And then you call me a failure and show my mistakes like I've just killed someone with them. Yeah, I'm just a girl, what do I know about life, right?!
I've always wanted to believe that you were great. I admired you and adored you, like there was no one else on this freaking planet, who will better understand me and will give me hope when I don't believe in myself. This is my biggest mistake!
You were never proud of me, you never will be. You never gave me hope, when I needed it the most. you said.

'We should make the world a better place.' you said.
'Why, when nobody else does it?' I asked.
'Because someone has to start, right?' was the answer.

You`re the one who always says that world is one hell of a place. So stop telling me that I should make it better. Every damn time, when I try to do something better, something sensible, you usually don't even notice. But every mistake is worth to be seen and to be used against me.
Someday I won't be here. Someday I'm gonna make it all worth the guilt you make me feel. And someday I hope you see what was your words to me.

Like I said - I'm done! I'm done with it all. I don't care if you talk or not. I don't care if you notice me or not. This is who I am. It's your choice to decide do you really want to know me.
But for what is worth - I'm done with the failure with you and the failure at all.

18 ноември, 2008

I'll reach the sky

I'm just making another try to reach the sky. It was my dream for a very long time. I know it is not possible, but I want it. The impossible things sound to me like a whole new adventure. Every time, even if if this thing is wrong, I want to try to do it. Because each and every one of this adventures crosses a line. And I'm kind of used to crossing the lines lately. Whatever it takes, as long as it makes me happy, right?
So, yeah. I'm not saying that crossing the line is the best thing to do. It's the opposite usually - it's wrong. It means that I've done something and probably I hurt someone, because I just wanted to have some fun. But... If I don't cross that line, someone else will. And he may forget to go back behind the line where he belongs.
If every line stayed untouched and never crossed, then what? What would be our life like? Definitely it won't be a fairytale. The special stories became a real stories when they get so far out of the ordinary, that we wish we could be this hero there, who's name people say and who's glory is eternal.
We are just people after all. We cross lines. We make mistakes. We live and we choose our way, the one we believe it's right. We lie. We betray. We hurt each other. We do what is right for us, ignoring everyone else. Because we are just people after all and that is our greatest excuse.
Those of us who's life become a fairytale are the lucky ones. Because the heroes in the stories are people, just like us, but the thing is, they were brave enough to do something good. And not good just for themselves, but for everyone.

There are lots of stories. Someday one of them might be yours. It's your choice how to live your life. It's your choice to decide what's right and what's wrong. Just remember, that we might all be just people, but we are all special to someone. We all have dreams. We all live and do crazy things. It's up to us somehow to find the way to touch the sky. It's up to them to help us. And again it's up to us just to believe, that today might not be the perfect day, but there's always tomorrow, right?

17 ноември, 2008

The answers

The crossroad?
~It is behind me for good. I wasn't allowed to change my way this time. Maybe for reason, maybe not. Still there will be another crossroads and another new ways, so maybe this one wasn't the right one.
The eclipse?
~It is always here. It is always around. It's always my perfection, just because I can make it save or dangerous, noisy or quiet, bright or dark.
~I'm right where I was the last time. With the silence and the loud music and the eclipse. Those three things are the very perfect part of my own road of perfection and they will always be.
The music?
~Like I said it's always loud. Lovesick Radio, Boys Like Girls, Simple Plan, Skillet, Paramore ... and so on and on...
The dream?
~The one where one crossroad changed everything... It's still in the 'wish list' where it belongs.
The chocolate?
~This is my sweet addiction, which makes my worst day perfect. It's a part of the whole perfection - the sweetest part.
The start of something new?
~I had one, believe me or not. I quit doing one thing, just to find a few better things. I met some new people. I found another almost perfect place like this one. I smiled and cried at once.
The change?
~New colors, new dreams, new friends... But nothings beats the old, ordinary colors, dreams and friends. Without them the new ones won't be that special. And without the new ones I would never realize how much I love the old ones.
The writing?
~I hope it will come back with the scent of the new season and the old-new road that is coming along.

09 ноември, 2008

Crossroad of life

I can see the crossroad right there behind the corner of this boulevard I'm walking on for a while. The signs are there, the traffic light. There's line of the future. It may change, it may stay the same. And it's just right there in front of me.
But I'm not sure this is the right thing to do - to cross that line. If I eventually start walking to the new road... what happens with the other I leave behind me? If I cross and someone brings me back? If I feel that dream and that road's perfectness how can I get back on my own boulevard and pretend this other way doesn't exist?!
I wish I could know what is going to happen. I wish I could know which one is the right way for me. I wish I could skip that crossroad and keep going to the new way. I wish I could say it all out loud so that everyone can hear me.
But I can't. I'm only human after all. I'm just... Me. Sometimes freaking out, sometimes sad, sometimes happy.... And I'm still me. Maybe the crossroad is there for a good reason, to make something different in someone's life. Maybe that someone's life is not mine. But it is still there for a reason, right?

So... I'm not walking towards it. I'm running! I'm not hoping to be able to cross that line. I'm begging! It's time for something new! It's time for some other bright color to light my way and to change my eclipsed mind. It's time...