13 януари, 2009

Mind over matter

When you are a kid, you know that you can have almost everything that you want. Mommy and Daddy love you and they would do anything to make you happy - like to buy you this cute Barbie doll with her brilliant dress or the doll-house that looks just like a castle. You are their princess and life is easy that way. The whole being a kid thing is pretty damn good. Because you feel like the world is yours. And because when you hear the story about the princess you can really believe that you are her and your prince will find you some day and will take you away. You believe in magic, in wishes upon a star, in the "happily ever after" part of life. At least that's what I used to believe in.
Nobody learned me in my whole life that there is no such thing as prince, who will come someday for me. No one told me that I can't have everything that I want and that dreams almost never come true. But this was a lesson that I probably should learn a long time ago... But I didn't...

I remember it clearly now... I wanted to scream it to the world... I wanted everyone to know and in the same time I wanted this to be my little secret, because of the impossibility of it to be your secret too. I knew I should never take all this seriously. I knew it was wrong to wish this simple desire of mine. But like a spell I started to whisper this simple words, that I wanted to say.
In this moment of weakness there was nothing I wouldn't do, to make this wish come true. But life is not a fairytale, I can tell. And I can't make you do something that hard for me, nobody can. I just stood there in the cold night. I could feel the freezing air in my lungs and the snow falling all over my face. I was probably the only crazy enough person who would stay like this in this winter night. But there was no place, that could make me feel safe now, there was no ones voice, so warm and so comforting as yours. They say: 'Home is where your heart tells you.' Mine could tell me only three simple words and I was afraid to hear them, so when they suddenly came out of my mouth as a whisper, it was because of my ridiculous wish. It couldn't be truth. I started to run, but the running didn't last much, because I fell down in the snow. I couldn't make myself get up. I just sit there trying to make my stupid and selfish desire go away and in the same time I wanted to keep it in me for as long as possible. Not because it was connected somehow with you, but because it made a difference... It made me awake again... And safe...

But I knew better why was my wish impossible. The eclipse... My eclipse was now all over your mind... But it seems like it's not just mine and it doesn't always mean that you have no one else around you. Exactly the opposite - the eclipse for you was to be around people all the time, to smile every five minutes with or without reason and just to be happy.
And somehow I couldn't recognize myself without the eclipse... I guess I've lost it somewhere in this road with you. And there was only one possibility for me to live without it - the forbidden one, the impossible.
There were no more tears to cry or words to say. The night would keep my secret until there's nothing to keep. And instead of those stupid words that I'd said, I would keep repeating another ones - mind over matter.

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