17 февруари, 2009

Ray of light

I usually hate going back to the past. It's cold, painful and most of the times useless. I don't like remembering who I was. Not because I find the previous versions of me that bad, but because I find out so many things I could have done, but I never did. And I realize that I've been blind for so many things then. I've done so many stupid mistakes, that I've lost their count already.
But there are these moments, when I need to go back and to remember. Not the bad things of the past, but the good ones. And there are lots of them, so the past can be one pretty comfortable place to hang out around.
What I wanted to see in the past were the last two month. They flew around me so fast, that I still can't say how I got here. All that is stuck in mi mind is the brightest color of my day... Which is stupid, since it never really was my color, but what can I say - my mind loves playing games with me. I guess it all started the usual way - I needed something new in my life, or... someone. But what I can't make my mind deal with is this - if it was just for the moment, then why do I still care? Why the thought of losing you makes me wanna cry and scream and run to you and hold you and never let you go? Why my writing is back only when you are around? Why your smile makes my heart starts beating faster? Why did I chose you, when I knew it's never gonna happen?!
I'm not sure if I want this to end. I'm not sure if I wanted it to happen in the first place. But... I've lost that fight a long time ago. Now what I can do is... just breathe and hope, that someday it will all go away and will stay in the past like a bright ray of light. Something to go back to, when I need to feel safe again. And only your smile is enough for that.
When live gives you someone special that enters your life so unexpected like a hurricane, how can you not let him. When this someone knows exactly how to get to you in a way that no one could, how can you not give everything you have to make him happy the way he did with you, even when that means to step back and let him go on. But hurricanes always leave a memory behind. Not painful, rather that mind blowing. A memory that you would never give up having, no matter how much it takes to stay away.
So... I'm keeping my distance from now on. Just so you know - I wish you all the best and always be the child that I know and love.

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