11 март, 2009

Delusion

I never thought I would say something like that. Well, I guess life can always surprise us, because I'm saying it - I want my silence back. I mean... There are so many thing to think about right now. There are so many decisions that I should make. And it's not easy. It's not easy at all, because... I don't wanna make the same mistakes again. I wanna make things right. And I don't know how. And I'm afraid, that I might mess them up even more.
The point is... I wanna stay for one long moment in the cloud of nothing... Just the music, me and my delusion of him. And the eclipse, of course. My lifetime addiction. It would be one moment of safety, peace, silence and perfection. The kind of perfection that makes me wanna stay like this forever, with his velvet voice whispering all the thing I wanted him to say, holding me in his arms and touching gently my hair...
Nothing else would matter. Just for that moment, I wanna have it all. And when it ends, I don't mind being lost again. Because at least I'll have this delusion to hold on to. And I could always go back to that moment. My moment of silence and no thinking. Just standing there and being in the middle of my dream... Lost...
No pain, no fear, no thought... Just me and him and the quiet music in the background that echoes around us.

How can I miss this?
And how can I not?
How can I be lost?
How can I not be?
Can I miss something that I've never really had?
Can I lose something that never really was mine in the first place?

In the end... hopefully I will be whole again... Hopefully I won't miss it... Hopefully... I'm gonna find what I was never looking for...
Because life loves surprising us.

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