17 март, 2009

Is that... Me?

I can't believe how good lair I've become. I can make people believe whatever I want them to believe, and all I have to do is say it with confidence in my voice, looking in their eyes. It's as easy as breathing actually. I've never given much thought about it before. I never knew I could have so much influence just using my words and putting them in the right order, so that they can make sense.
And... Today I've lost it. I couldn't make people believe me like yesterday. I couldn't show them my point of view. All I could do was standing there and watching it all slip away. And I'm not sure I wanna have such a great influence in people. I mean, I was fine with not being heard. Now that I am and someone actually believes me, I doubt. And I'm scared, and I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I mean, yeah, tomorrow is the day I've waited for such a long time, but is it worth it really?
If I should believe myself like I make people believe what I say... If I should listen to this tiny voice inside of me, then I should give it all up right now. I should have end this a long time ago. But somehow I made myself believe that it's actually going to work in a good way. I still believe that. I just don't know if I want to make people believe me. I don't know if I wanna be heard. I thing I'd rather stay in the dark and be quiet, because sometimes the light in the tunnel is just the coming train. Or at least that's how it feels when you dare to look in the truth's eyes and realize that everything you've done was a lie. All you wanted was to break someone's heart, so that you could have it. And the prize isn't worth it at all.
It's not fair of me to use my influence on people the same way, that it's not fair to want this and to try to have it. Maybe in another world I could have you, but in this one as long as you are happy, there's no place for me in your world, or at least not the place I was trying to steal. Because that's exactly what I was trying to do - take something that doesn't belong to me, and never will anyway.I wish I was strong enough to believe myself this time. But I crossed this line a long time ago, so I can't just go back. So I guess I'll just wait for you to tell me to go away, like the worst kind of pathetically in love and obsessed with you and illegally ridiculous dreamer.And you can call me selfish now, but it doesn't feel wrong being around you in a way that I want. The opposite, it feels warm and comfortable, as if I've been away for too long and now I'm finally back home, where it's safe and pleasant. And the funniest thing is, I've never thought I could feel like that. No matter how wrong that sounds, I love every part of being sin, as long as I have you by my side. And, even if I have to wait until another world appears, I'm fine with that, because all we have for free is time, right? And even time is sometimes late, just like in this story, where I'm the bad guy.
Who cares anyway? This is the only life I have and unless something feels wrong, if I like it, I'm going for it.

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