24 август, 2010

Don't ever give up

'Everybody has to figure out who day are eventually.'
~Felicity

It took me so long to realise it, but... Everything that happened - it's not about them, it's about me. I thrusted people, I loved them and when they left my world crushed, just like my heart kinda started sounding broken. And I kept thinking what did I do wrong. The answer is simply nothing. Maybe I didn't fight too hard, maybe there were things I had to say to make them stay, but if someone wants to be with you, they won't be looking for an explanation, they will be right here.
So, it's just another lesson. Another box full of memories and then many days when I feel lost. Until I find myself again and then there's nothing in the world that can hold me steady. I feel like a force of nature that can do anything just like that.
Relationships are hard... And pretty much addictive. You start being around someone and you get used to the way they laugh, the way they look at you, trying to figure out what you are thinking. So they leave a fingerprint on your heart and it never really fades. But when they go it's as hard as always. And it takes like forever to get over the feeling of being lost. But the only thing that makes an addiction to go away is... well, another addiction.
I know, because I've done this. I used to love being lost, because when you find yourself, you feel strong and then when you lose yourself again it's the hardest thing in the world to find what you've lost. But you eventually get over that. And you know that it's not about them anymore - the people who left and broke you. It's about you and you only. And about what you want and who you want to be.
What I want is the easy question, at least for me. I want the fairytale with the right guy who won't be anything near perfect, but will be there for me, and love me, and makes my world a better place. I want this dream that I had ever since I found out what writing is to become true. And I want to figure out what to do after high school, because it's still not decided.
Who I want to be takes more time to figure out. Because you first must find out who you are. And I can't really point out who I am, but at least I know who I am not. That's another story. So, I want to be a writer. And I want to write things that matter to someone. And I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make that happen. Because that's who I want to be - someone who doesn't give up, no matter what and who fights till the sky falls down on him, and sometimes even after that.

2 коментара:

Teddie каза...

Обичам те, обичам те, обичам те...
Но въпроса е...ако сме хората, които никога не се отказват, защото тогава позволяваме на някои спъпоценности да си отидат от живота ни? Защо не продължаваме да се борим...до завинаги?
И как намираш себе си, когато изгубиш всичко...Защото той е бил твоето всичко. И сега е празно...Толкова празно. Къде съм аз, когато той ме отнесе със себе си?! и коя съм, защото не помня?!

Мечтателка каза...

Имах предвид да не се отказваме от мечтите си. Тези скъпоценности едва ли са искали за позволението ни, така че за тях няма как да се борим вечно. Просто защото ни нараняват прекалено много, когато си отиват.
Намираш себе си в нещата, които обичаш да правиш и онези, които тепърва ще ти допаднат. Откриваш нещо ново, което да отвлича ума ти, докато най-сетне се досетиш къде си се изгубила и решиш, че искаш да не си изгубена повече. Най-важното е, че не той определя коя си, а ти самата. Колкото и да е лощо, че си е отишъл, някой друг ще заеме мястото му и ще ти върне усмивката. Просто отнема малко време.
Обичам те и съм с теб! Мечкиии!! <3