13 октомври, 2010

My own drug

Fear is a powerful emotion. I know, because I felt it and these days as I homework I got to write for it. I guess I chose not to think about it and write about someone else's fears instead of mine. But truth is, I'm kind of scared to 'grow up'. I have less then three months to be 17 and then I'm supposed to be one of the grown ups. I'm gonna love that, I'm pretty sure.
What scares me is what comes after that. I once tried to write about my life in like 5 or 10 years and it turned out that I can't really say much. The only thing I was kinda sure was that I would fail in writing the book, because I had no idea how it would have ended back then. Now I do know and all I gotta do is keep writing. And if there's anything I wanna do in the future - it's to write. Everyone has something that gives him hope, dreams, inspiration, power... everyone has his own drug and this one is mine. Because no matter how long it takes to find it when I've lost it, it always comes back to me eventually. And I've noticed that it's now with me even when I so badly need to sleep. I keep thinking of a certain conversation in one of my stories and I really wanna remember it, because it sounds so good to me, and I'm scared that since I'm too tired late at night I won't be able to remember it in the morning. So, I try to write it all down and the next day I can't even remember what I was writing about.
This kind of reminds me of how I started to write the Illusion-addict diaries. I had too many things to say and suddenly the words just kept finding their place on the list, so it was just that simple to press publish and then enjoy reading what my crazy mind thought of. If this is my worst habit, I hope I never get rid of it.
Anyway, I wanted to say one thing and I got caught up by another. My point is that... We all have something to get us high, and those who prefer drugs are just lazy at figuring something more useful.
And my point about the feeling of being afraid kinda was that, no matter what you do in life, it will always be a part of you. Especially the fear of failure. But the thing is, you never know what will happen, so you just gotta give it a try and if it doesn't work, then try something else. Because if you don't, all you get is your regrets of never trying and the question 'what if' to fill the silence.

1 коментар:

Лилия каза...

Аз също искам да продължи писането.Също така-не ме е страх, само ме е яд от безсилието ми.Не съм казала че се отказвам.А утре-цял ден -тук съм.