30 януари, 2011

I hate people!

I'm standing here, painting hearts in blue and green with a target on it and a storm cloud over the head of a girl. If you knew me, you'd know that I don't paint, like ever, so... Something is just not right. And my eyes are full of tears and I can't seem to find a reason to simply turn on some music and do some work on any book. How did I get from this excited to be eighteen girl, to losing my inspiration and having my heart feel like it's entirely broken? I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend at least today that it's all alright. Because I'm sick of being anybody's second choice. I'm sick of having to look every day at what could have been, knowing that I didn't fight hard enough, because I did, and it was still... not enough. It never is. I'm never good enough, never strong enough, just never... And most of the time I'm okay with that, but today... I'm not okay. I'm sick of all the blue in my heart and all the scars and I can't seem to erase any of it. They seem permanent and I am kinda helpless, knowing that there's nothing I can do. And her leaving school must feel like a good thing and I know it is, but then why did I have to go and look for our chronology, just to see why is she not in my life anymore. And thank God skype didn't want me to remember, cuz I'd probably cry for a while, remembering how she chose her over me. It's just that... Everybody needs to stop leaving me, forgeting about me and hurting me. I can't take anymore of it. And I can't seem to find a reason to do anything, but to paint stupid blue and green hearts with red targets on them, hoping that art is gonna fix me. It won't. Only inspiration can fix me, but it's gone, because I wrote a book and I feel like it was a waste of time. I never write great stuff, just good ones. I'm not good enough and sometimes believe that's not true, but... In the end of the day, while I'm sitting here, hiding from the world, I realize that things don't change. Only people do. And I hate people. They made me this way. They kept lying to me, hurting me, burning what's left of my heart and throwing it in the trash every chance they got. I hate people. They come, mess you up and leave. People make me weak. They break my world, they break me all and I no longer believe in fairytales. Because things never change and people always leave.

p.s. Докато пишех си пуснах да слушам Alex Band - Only one, където има една невероятна част от текста. "The writings on the wall of those who came before, left pictures frozen still in time." Да, пазя всички снимки, а на тях има толкова много непознати. И почти съм забравила всеки детайл. Поне за това мога да лъжа себе си... че вече не боли.
p.s. 2 Ако реша после може да добавя някои от картинките, които нарисувах. Не съм адски добра, но поне идеите са хубави и може да послужат за вдъхновение. Пълно двустранно подравняване

2 коментара:

Замечтаният любовник каза...

Oh, you're too good and one day all those people who just have hurt you... remember one thing! Only one! I don't know you pretty good, but i feel when someone's going through the wrong walls! And then have a headache because of all done! I'm done! I hate people, too! But one day... they just will be watching you with so much of violence, but you just have already found the right guy for you! Don't let me down! Don't let them down, because somewhere in the fog - there will still the people who never going to pass you! Never! This going to be pretty good to be truth, but have faith! And your books are amazing! I'm sure about that! They're not of the 'good one' they're from the 'pretty ones'! I believe in you, don't make me feel sorry for you just 'cause you're one of the bravier people I've ever known!

`Ем каза...

I will never lose faith, just because you and my friends believe in me. And thank you so much for saying all those nice things. It's always nice to know that there's someone out there who believes in whatever you do. I gotta say you amaze me with every word you say and thank you so much for simply being here for me. I love you for it!