26 април, 2011

Fire and ice

I might as well go out in a thunder storm and wait for a lightning to strike me. Or maybe a meteor is coming my way and is going to hit me any moment. It feels like a burning temptation and I hate it, but leaving it would probably be the death of me. Damn me, for being so weak and stupid and easy to give in, and damn him for letting me stop thinking about him... And damn him for being here saving me all the time.
I wrote a novel about a girl, trying to choose between two guys and now destiny wants me to actually live through it. I can almost hear Aleanora's voice saying: 'I already made my choice, because of you. Now enjoy the rush of stupid emotions and confusion and don't ever make me feel it again.' I can hear her laugh at me and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up all by myself, full of regrets and guilt. But how do I fight the fire? And how do I fight the ice? That's exactly how it looks like. Heroin, that makes me want an overdose... And adorable, nice, sweet sunshine, that blinds my eyes and makes me enjoy the warmth of its presence.
Now you can start calling me names. For the record, I would hit myself with something very heavy if that would help, but it won't. And I see the stupid signs again and it all goes to hell. And I'm so going with it. There's a place for me down there and the Devil already made plans for torturing me till the end of eternity. Sounds... promising, huh. If it does, then why don't you stop making me go there... Like tell me to stay away. Do something stupid, so I stop being so amazed by the things you say. Or maybe I should do it. I should make you hate me or something, because otherwise you will always be nice to me.
I'm all fire. It burns through my skin, comes out of my touch and freezes everything I get close to. As if time stops and waits for me to make a move. And I wait for it to show me what do to. It's a closed circle that I can never get away from. And sometimes I don't really want to, but then again - I hate being me, right at this moment. I hate it with every part of my own self and that is what makes the fire so unbearable and hard to give in to. It's like I wanna turn into ashes and I probably deserve that, but at the same time, that would mean to simply give it all up and I can't do that.
So, here comes my fire.

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