17 октомври, 2011

Dark and twisty again

The thing is, I promised I would fight harder next time. And I did. Only even when I was ready to turn the world upside-down it was still not enough. That's what scares me, you know. I can do anything I want, but so can anybody else. I can make all the right choises for myself, but so can they. And it's like whatever I do will somehow be both wrong and right. Right for me, wrong for someone else. And that kinda sucks, because I hate being wrong. I hate it when I do my best, prove that everything is possible, and then it gets taken away at some point, as if everything I did simply doesn't matter. As if I don't matter. As if it's that simple to just walk away and never ever look back. I hate that. And the cold weather gives me dark thoughts to think about.
I am scared, because I need to make a choice. But I don't know what I may want in a year, where I may want to be. So I'm leaving all my choices for some other day. And I try to keep them all open till I decide. Because I don't want to be wrong. I also don't want to make a choice based on someone else's. And I don't wanna end up in a place, where I'd wanna go back to where I used to be.
First choice goes with all my initial connections, which is kinda amazing.
Second was inspired by my classmates, and I do like it, but it's gonna be like really hard to get there.
Third is me being all alone in a new country, living the dream of my escape. Only I'm not sure I will like being all alone with my dreams.
The point is, I feel kinda screwed when the weather sucks and I can't go anywhere without getting sick. The point also is that when I was like my version of perfect, things were still like they are now, when I'm nothing like who I used to be. And at least now I know why things are the way they are. But they suck. And I'm always not close enough. Distance pretty much screws me every time, any chance she gets. I keep trying to fight it, to erase it, to ignore it, but it just won't go away. I'm always gonna be here and not there. And there doesn't know how lucky it is that it has all of them - the people I wanna be close to.
Writing didn't take away my bad mood, so I guess I'm going to write again pretty soon.

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