17 октомври, 2011

Heute Nacht habe ich komplizierte Gedanken.

New thoughts. It's not twelve yet, I know. But it's close and my dark angel got me thinking about stuff.
So, first I knew where I wanted to be in a year. I had a plan. It perfectly matched my need to escape, as well as my passion of English. And also something else, which I will not mention, since it no longer applies to this.
Second, I changed my mind thanks to people telling me I can do better than this. I believed them and found another option, that involved me leaving my past behind and start all over with almost everything, besides writing, which I believe is my only true lover.
Third, again thanks to the dark angel and my crazy wanting-to-know-and-be-around-him thought, I found another option. Only it will take all of my time, because it includes German level B2. I know, I'm screwed.
And since I'm me and I need to really confuse myself to the poing of no return, I had to find another option that is again away and just for me.
I am crazy enough to actually try for all those four options. I will have no free time to think about stupid things. I will improve my english and also german. I will keep all my options open in case I decide.
And he (my dark angel) said that we all have lots of roads ahead of us, but there's only one that's going to give meaning to our lives. I never thought he was a black&white kinda person. You know, one who sees things as simply black and white. I mean, I know he's not, but then why would he say something like that? Anyway. My point is there are more than one ways. Because first you need to know where you want to be. And how would you know, if you've never been there before. You may not like it, it may kill you to be there. And then you have to start all over again. I proved that to myself. I had a way before and it lead me somewhere. Then I took another one, and here I am. Writing, doing stupid things and trying to breathe. So I guess it doesn't matter which way you will choose to follow, as long as your heart tell you it's the right one. And no matter where you go, you will try and make the best of it, or find another road and another place. Over and over again, until you find that one place that makes you feel home. You know - safe, warm, wanted, needed, loved...
No one can say for sure where he's gonna be in like a year, two years, five years. People change you, time changes you. And by the time you get where you wanted to be, you may not be the person who wanted that anymore. And considering how that went for me, well how can I ever make a choice like that, knowing that one simple thing turned me and my world upside-down for good. I'm not saying I didn't like or want it. I'm just scared that it may happen again some day and I don't want to wake up, realising I made the wrong choice for me.
Speaking about messed up... Well that's me at that moment. Time for hot shower, a little studying German and then I will sleep and dream of my paper birds and the time when I wanted to make a thusand of them, because there was a place I wanted to be. Or more like a feeling I wanted to keep with me.

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