14 декември, 2012

still dark

It is your life, you might as well start living it. Are you scared? Guess what - we all are. 
I was actually referring to myself in a way. Because I have turned this doing stupid things for the sake of doing them into a habit. I ignore all the alarms ringing in my head and there it goes. 
I have been on the hold up with writing. Here, in the stories, everywhere. I have been scared that it was not good enough, interesting enough. I often ask myself if I am good enough, actually. No, not often, but still. I stand behind all my choices up to one. Because then, at a certain point every single nerve in my body was telling me to run and I didn't. 
And like she said... In ten years if everything is perfect I will just say that I was scared, thanks to my previous bad experience. If it is getting to an end, I will say that I knew it from the beginning. There is no way to know if what you do will turn out to be right or wrong. You just have to go with it, and whatever happens, happens. 
So, being on the hold up... Sucks! I wait and wait and wait. Nothing happens. Some days it is just perfect and I am so happy. Other days I cry about a movie and wonder if it was the right thing to do. Part of what is scary is the future, I mean, who knows how things will go. And part of me remembers how it feels to be left behind over a stupid imaginary perfect world some place else. Fine! Be there and not here! Enjoy all your free time, with no one to take it away from you. I can deal with it. Not in a good way, but I do have my ways. Anyway.
Why am I writing this? Because the phone is never ringing and I am never the choice. 

3 коментара:

SunShine каза...

Hey Em, I very like that post... Truly indeed... I`m scared most of time, I think that I`m not good enough,not smart enough.. And then I tell myself,who is perfect,noone... Why I have to be better in everything... Sometimes I think I made the wrong choices but it`s still mine choices, I can`t change it... So we have to live with them,if we aren`t scared maybe we don`t do the right thing...
Someday the phone will ring for you and you will be the best choice ever

`Ем каза...

Actually it did ring, eventually. Even if it was just a short "I'm coming home" conversation. But something still does not feel quite right.
Anyway, being scared seems like a good way to make a choice. Because if you are scared, it means you have sommething to lose and you would do anything to keep it for as long as possible. Even if it is not yours to keep.
I think no one knows if they make the right choice right there on the spot. Proving it was the right things comes later when you look back and think 'I did what I had to do and I could not have lived with myself if I had done otherwise.'
And life is not so scary when you realise you are not the only one who's scared, so thank you for not letting me be silently the only one scared. *hugzz*

SunShine каза...

When he did the call,did you feel better or worst ? Everyone is scared,everyone live in his own live,with his own fears and if somehow you show the other people your fears,your deepest secrets... They will tear your soul...
I think there is not right or wrong thing... There is only our conscience.... If you feel good in that damn minute,hour... who cares about consequences... You have to live for the moment... the perfect moment.... :)