24 март, 2013

Did you hear the crack? The lack of music, the silence? What does it say?
Well, that the road I'm on is all broken and I missed the turn back there on purpose, hoping that it will get better. It didn't. And I don't think it ever will. Because I allowed myself to have a voice. Because when I didn't have a voice, I was weak and I didn't really matter. Well, I don't really matter now anyway.
Take your fairytales back where they came from and go with them. Because in my head I heard a voice repeatedly tell me "Why didn't you run away?" Why didn't I? Because... I'm stupid mostly. I'm sick of people going somewhere, so I stay no matter what. Maybe it's about time I get my stuff, put it all in a box and leave it behind me. Maybe... Maybe I'm better off by myself.
Happy? No, I'm not.
Sunday is a family day. In my case - was. It felt like that only a few times back in the past. Sunday is the day I... Well, I decide to try again. To put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is just perfect. While in reality it isn't. Because all the things I did don't matter. You never asked for them, so I decided to do them on my own. So... they don't mean anything to you. Then should they mean anything at all?

I wish I may, I wish I might, be taken away and never brought back!

21 март, 2013

ghost stories

That awesome moment when a movie makes you cry ...
For the first time in my life I wished it never happened. I wished I hadn't been so stupid as to have that part of my past for real. That's the first time I ever felt regret. Of course it was temporary. It took me two days to write it down and admit it and that won't happen again. 
I kept saying it was about me. I kept saying it was my choice. But I didn't know any better. And I kept smiling and saying that I don't care while I also kept writing it all here, as if it will ever go away. 
You know, I was that girl who wanted the fairytale. I wanted it all to be perfect in general. I wanted to find that one guy who is going to be perfect for me and that would be it - we would be together forever. I also wanted that when I met him. I truly did. I remember walking down the whole crying and terrified when I realised that is wasn't going to last. And then I pretended as much as I could that is was about me and I didn't care. While truly... I cared so much. Past tense. But you know, the memories are still there, so I can never be the same. 
I'm saying that... Before I got all messed up I believed in fairytales and I wanted to have mine. That specific kind of fairytale... I have it now. I do!
So I kinda wish sometimes I never wished it back then, so I could have walked away and found him and I would have never know how a fairytales fails no matter how hard you believe. But honestly, it's for the better. Now I know how much I can go through and still survive. From time to time I may... But then there is a smile on my face to express all the words I never said. And that would be it. The smile after a movie to hide the tears and the regret. 
It's still my past. But I can't imagine ever telling my little girl that story. Because I would never want that for her. I want her to have her fairytale the way I had it before I lost it. I... I wish it wasn't so hard to write about it, so I could explain it better. 
Anyway... Things happen and they change us. We can either run or we can stay and fight. Me? I did both. I still do. Because no matter how much time passes, the ghosts sometimes hunt me all over. Don't worry - we are good old friends now. In fact, that's how I know who I am. This is how... You remind me...
Now let the smoke take it all away.

16 март, 2013

Leave the soul alone

Are we having fun yet, dah-ling?
So really... I should learn to listen to the voice in my head... Especially when it's telling me to run. All the alarms, all the big red STOP signs - I should have done so!
Липсва ми лятото. Искам вече да е топло и да си сложа късите панталонки, тениската и... Света да е мой. 
Напълно е възможно нещо на мен да ми има. Всъщност, почти съм убедена. Но... 
Ако можех и да пиша без многоточия, щеше да е страхотно!
Липсва ми... Морето. Липсват ми децата от Мини клуб и гимнастиката сутрин с Вили. Липсват ми шегите с Цецо преди бяло шоу. Липсва ми силната музика, ходенето до La Piovra с автобуса, падащите звезди...
И установявам, че обичам да си живея в миналото, защото мога спокойно да залича лошите спомени и да си мисля само за хубавите. А настоящето може да си върви по дяволите! Не искам да съм опция, нито да бъда игнорирана заради неодушевени предмети. Особено след като там, където прекарвам времето си ме ценят, липсвам и принадлежа. Дори ми е някак си достатъчно до момента, в който не си представя алтернативата. 
Каква е разликата да обичаш някого и да си влюбен в него? Имам ужасното усещане, че съм близо до разграничаването на двете понятия, но няма да откажа помощ. 
Защо винаги хората, които би трябвало да ме разбират най-добре допринасят за нуждата ми да излекувам себе си вместо с приказки с алкохол и никотин? По този повод споделям писаното онази вечер на телефона и не казвам, че е напълно вярно... Просто бях афектирана от каквото там се случваше.
"You are not the right thing. You are a right thing after a wrong thing. You fix me over time but you do a lot of damage of your own along the way. Sometimes I wonder which is better. Being with the bad guy kniwing that he will hurt you or being with the good one hoping that he won't do so anyway. You know what the worst thing is - is hurts the same at first but the good guy was supposed to make everything okay, not mess it up even more... Or mess me up even more..."
Та... Върнах се към тази тема. Имам невероятния навик да си задавам стари въпроси отново. Тази дилема съм я разглеждала от двата края и истинско решение няма. Освен това си имам тенденцията правилно - грешно... Правилно - грешно...
I guess it's time to run... But if I do so where do I go?  Така или иначе си прецаках тази възможност. Well, I do have the ability to screw things up anyway. I just hope it doesn't come to this but... I kinda have a feeling that they will do that on their own.

13 март, 2013

I (don't) matter

I thought we were done with all the labeling. I get it quite often even if I don't deserve it. I get to be the crazy person most of the time. My opinion is not valid, it doesn't matter. I get no respect, no matter what I do. I'm never good enough. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm wrong all the time. How would that make you feel?
I want to run away too. Like half the time I'm planning to do so. But then again, will I let that define me and hold me back or will I be optimistic about it thinking that I can't really go any lower? It's a pretty ugly thing to say or to make someone feel like that, as a matter of fact.
I may fail but at least it will be all on me. I may ... Screw is all up, but if things don't change they will do the same for themselves. Can a person really care about you if they don't appreciate you, your opinion and your personality? Can you let that person around if it would make you feel like you are never good enough to speak up for yourself?
Well, when I get to a proper solution I will post back. Until then all I can do is get better. Because as I said, I'm always wrong and my opinion doesn't matter. I'm not about to let that be true.

10 март, 2013

за живота от нещата...

Have you ever noticed how messy everything is? I mean, when was the last time you honestly told someone how you feel about them or what is on your mind? We are hidden behind so many walls, that most of us can't even remember how they got there and how to get out. 
In order to get to something simple and natural like love, you have to overcome every past nightmare of a relationship you had, all the fear, all the walls. And even if you do so, it may not be simple. We are all damaged in a way. We have our fears and our past. 
People hurt us, they disappoint us and yet we go back to them because we believe we may change them. If every one of us was able to do so, it would be a fairytale. But people don't change just because we want them to. So we either silently agree to eventually get hurt by being with them or we run away scared, thinking that we will never find the right person. And who says who is right and who isn't. The question in that case is what we can live with and well... what we can't live without. 
Everyone has their story and their past. Some are hurt, some are scared... But they would smile and pretend it's all okay. Now think about it? What are you afraid of? How many times did you let your fear stop you? How many times you had a smile on your face when inside you were crying?
My words won't change that. I had enough experience to know so. But whoever you are, whereever you are - you are not alone. I am also scared most of the time, I smile and say it's okay, I am only truly honest when I write things to myself. And knowing how messy things get, how scared people are - sometimes I am brave enough to say what I really think. Sometimes they understand me, sometimes they don't. But tomorrow is another day, when I can be brave again. And every new day has a tomorrow, so tomorrow I will be brave. And tomorrow I may not be. Tomorrow everything can change for me or even better - I may be the one to change and stop being so scared. The walls don't keep people away, they keep you in and someone out there may need you more than you know. Will you let them find you?