21 март, 2013

ghost stories

That awesome moment when a movie makes you cry ...
For the first time in my life I wished it never happened. I wished I hadn't been so stupid as to have that part of my past for real. That's the first time I ever felt regret. Of course it was temporary. It took me two days to write it down and admit it and that won't happen again. 
I kept saying it was about me. I kept saying it was my choice. But I didn't know any better. And I kept smiling and saying that I don't care while I also kept writing it all here, as if it will ever go away. 
You know, I was that girl who wanted the fairytale. I wanted it all to be perfect in general. I wanted to find that one guy who is going to be perfect for me and that would be it - we would be together forever. I also wanted that when I met him. I truly did. I remember walking down the whole crying and terrified when I realised that is wasn't going to last. And then I pretended as much as I could that is was about me and I didn't care. While truly... I cared so much. Past tense. But you know, the memories are still there, so I can never be the same. 
I'm saying that... Before I got all messed up I believed in fairytales and I wanted to have mine. That specific kind of fairytale... I have it now. I do!
So I kinda wish sometimes I never wished it back then, so I could have walked away and found him and I would have never know how a fairytales fails no matter how hard you believe. But honestly, it's for the better. Now I know how much I can go through and still survive. From time to time I may... But then there is a smile on my face to express all the words I never said. And that would be it. The smile after a movie to hide the tears and the regret. 
It's still my past. But I can't imagine ever telling my little girl that story. Because I would never want that for her. I want her to have her fairytale the way I had it before I lost it. I... I wish it wasn't so hard to write about it, so I could explain it better. 
Anyway... Things happen and they change us. We can either run or we can stay and fight. Me? I did both. I still do. Because no matter how much time passes, the ghosts sometimes hunt me all over. Don't worry - we are good old friends now. In fact, that's how I know who I am. This is how... You remind me...
Now let the smoke take it all away.

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