22 юли, 2013

pessimistic much?

WARNING: The following text contains a lot of dark thoughts from my recently disappointed self and I would advise you against reading it, unless you want to forget your own dark thoughts. I am simply in a dark hole and need to express myself in order to get out of it.


I seem to have forgoten why I wanted to be a writer and therefore, my writing is kind of missing for some time now. Well, I wanted to tell a story... Moreover, I wanted people to be able to identify with a certain character and thus become involved with the story in a way that I am with some of my favorite books. Then things get messy, as faith would have it and what I think is the beginning is actually the end of my inspiration. Because... "Piece of heaven" may not see the world for a long time. And to get a little deeper into the subject of publishing - our country has more appreciation for foreign already succesful authors than it has for new ones who are trying to establish themselves in the world of writers. You either need to have a lot of connetions or you need to be extremely lucky and coming from a family of ordinary people who are very distant from this whole writing things... well, I have to make it on my own.
Sadly, I got a lot of folders with files ment to become great novels someday and I have lost the motivation, desire and passion to keep writing on them. Don't get me wrong... I am not giving up but this seems the right place to express my disappointment of my experience so far. Plus, my luck has never been reliable enough for me to sit back and wait for thinga to happen. So I guess, I need to start translating my already existing book and maybe edit it once again because "Twilight" totally messed my vampire idea and now it will be 'just another vampire book with sparkling vampires'. No offence, I love the books, the movies not as much but I somehoe do not like the idea that my Aleanora, Aiden and Christopher will be in any way connected to "Twilight" and be dismissed just because I initially chose vampires for the main characters and then it was too late to change the whole story.
Anyway, I still have my other idea - "Dark angel" which has undergone some major changes and needs some more brainstorming before I get a clear view of it. Time is all I have after all. I an keep thinking and writing. I can even keep believing that I am a writer but if all my prove is this blog - I am screwed! Well, if things remain as they are at least I can always post all the stuff I have here and pretend it was my plan all along. The thing is that in that case I can't really say I am a writer, because people want prove. In addition, here chosing foreign names is a crime and writing fiction is a whole other story. It's like writing "I am crazy! Lock me up!" on your forehead. At least that is how I have experienced it a few times.
And I thought it was a gift to be a writer. It seems to me like it's move of a curse. Because for a writer to be one indeed, they need to be heard, read, felt by the reader. Otherwise all the writing in the world won't be enough to... Nope, that is a lie. I've read books that are crap and are out there. Then I come home and I pour my heart and soul into my writing and I keep it to myself, thinking that it will be out there someday. Now I am not so sure. But then again, there are some things that I still remember from Millita's intention to make me a believer in the mystical wonders of the world. I guess I will hold on to that until I find my piece of heaven, or ray of light, or whatever else I got laying around in some dusty old folder.

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