15 септември, 2013

ghost stories

Абстиненцията едва сега започна да ме побутва и да ми спира дишането, но по един такъв сладък и безобиден начин. За щастие утре ще я заличим със сестричката, докато се смеем и кроим планове за близкото бъдеще.
And now that I think of it, it really isn't all my terms, is it? I took it all seariously with the full intention of what I am doing and then it was turned into 'what had to be done just for the certain purpose'. Guess what that makes me?! Yeah, a daughter of my mother. I know I don't make sense, but I can't really say it with the right words, so... Whatever.
Also, something came to my mind today, while I was listening to My Darkest Days and The Cab. They say ignorance is bliss. That means that you are fully aware of your problem but you choose to ignore it and let it solve itself while you focus on all the positive things around. And in the same time you prepare for battle because most problems take more than just time. I guess that's what I'm doing - taking time to gather all the smiles and happy thoughts in the world, because there is a much darker future that's coming towards me.
Don't we see things the way we want them to. If we want something, we see only what's good about it, and when we don't, we see all its faults. I'm scared of the faults that I might start to see. Because the whole point was to be happy. I truly want to be, and here I truly am. I guess I'm scared to go back. I'm not sure how much more stupid stuff I can handle, without the idea of running away. And I guess I'm even more scared of seeing some new good things about an old idea of mine. At this point I really want to be proven wrong about all my thoughts. If I keep seeing good things about them I might do my best and make them true and I'm not ready for such a test.
Damn, it will always go back to this, won't it?

Няма коментари: