12 септември, 2013

she ..

She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take.
She feels like falling apart just as all the other things around her. Or at least the most important one. She tries so hard to keep it together and she worries all the time. She feels so helpless and distant at times and it scares her half to death. She knows she is strong enough to deal with a lot of things but she starts to wonder if it's worth trying anymore. She really wants him to understand and she misses him. But she no longer is in love with him. She just loves him and hates herself for it. Because it makes her feel weak and vulnerable. Because she worries all the time and it gets harder to explain herself, because when you love someone you are allowed to go crazy when that someone worries you? And it seems to be the thing tearing them apart. She wishes she never cared in the first place. First, because her heart wouldn't be breaking to write such things. And second, because she doesn't want to know there is someone like him out there and she couldn't love him the way he wanted. Because her love is passionate and sometimes crazy. She yells, she cries, she jumps around when she's happy. The funny thing is she thought that's why he fell for her - because she cared about him, supported him, wanted to hear him like every five minutes and wanted to spend all her time with him... She never thought that would change.
So she wishes she never fell in love with him in the first place. Because her heart might have been broken a little too many times but it managed to love with all its pieces somehow. What do you do when you find the right person, you fall for him and the way you love him is why he hates you? Could she change the way she loved him? Could she love him quietly and live completely ordinary without expressing herself the way she felt was right? Could she altar herself to such a point where she is no longer herself anymore... And will it be enough?

And she is so me.

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