13 септември, 2013

writing therapy

Joey and Pacey got their happy ending, at least for the end of this season. And I was about to cry and call you and say that all those stupid things we fight about are stupid. But waking you up is never a good idea and it's friday the 13th already and since it all started with a dream predicting bad things... I am not so brave as to challenge another superstition.
At least writing seems to fix things in a way. Although I can't really see the way and the fixing of it yet. Can I be wrong all the time? I'm so sick of caring and of trying to fix things by pretending that those stupid really things don't matter to me and I let you win, because you would never let me. But nobody is wrong all the time. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. And I'm sick of saying that I was wrong, when I really can't feel that way. That would mean that it is wrong to care and ...

We used to be perfect at this long distance kind of thing. Even if it's just for a few more days, it feels like the end of the world. I mean ... There are so many horible things happening out there all the time, so will it be that horible to admit I might be right at least once? Everytime I do so, I feel like I'm making myself smaller, more vulnerable, more dependable. I might as well be, but... It ain't the best feeling in the world, knowing that you are always wrong.
I just needed a few days of piece and quiet, knowing that things are okay and he is okay and we are okay. I needed stupid simple conversations and silly jokes. Sometimes I feel like this is a big joke and someone will show up any minute with a camera and scream 'surprise' and yet no such thing happens.
I guess I better go to bed and wake up before any other screwing relationship dream appears in that stupid head of mine. And another day, and another day... Getting as far away...
Since I am being honest I kinda wish I had actually done something wrong to deserve this. At least when you do something wrong you get the satisfaction of having done it, even if you got caught and yelled at. I didn't do anything wrong, I got caught and yelled at and... Now I can't seem to find a way to make myself feel better. And it sucks and I hate it!

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