24 февруари, 2014

diary of Jane

Losing love is like organ damage, is what Mer says. Well, I have the support system to cut it permanently off my life. It's done enough damage, along with all the sleepless nights, the angry fights and the worrying. If someone loves you, he'd never put you through anything like that. If someone cares, you come first and that's it! It's not supposed to be that hard and I'm not supposed to be holding on all that much to someone who would rather go have fun and not tell me about it, so I have to find it all out thanks to the few people who care about me. Here's to the two years of my life when I've done more than possible to keep it together. And at least I tried. Which is more than you can say. And I really am all out of scars for you. I have no faith in anything anymore. Faith and "meant to be" only got us so far. To me finding out where you've been thanks to pictures on the internet.
The cold doesn't bother me. In the cold light of day I don't even feel like running. You're the one who should run because I did nothing wrong. I cared. Maybe more than I had to. Because you would have had your fun with or without hiding it from me. So it's really a matter of choice and probably selfishness. But I keep giving chances to the people who deserve it the least.

23 февруари, 2014

And the more I see, the less I like...

So my unconsciousness had a point to make me hear this song. What do you do, when the person you count on the most turns out to be the one constantly stabbing you in the back? I deserve being lied to, okay. I do. Because I've lied to so many people about so many things but at least my intentions were never wrong. I wanted to protect someone. He lies to me just so I don't yell at him. Well, good to know. But it hurts. And my skin has too many scars all over it. I have no more scars for you. I can smile and push back the tears, I can start lying too. But I thought I deserved the truth at least from you, because you are the reason why I lied to so many people I care about and ruined so many relationships that I will never be able to completely fix. 
The question is why am I letting this happen over and over again... It sure ain't the end of the world if it all just ends. I've survived worse. I guess I just wished all my lying was worth it. Because it this ends, I've lied for no reason and hurt people for no reason other than simply being the selfish person I obviously am. 
God, take it like a man and do whatever else you want! Why do I have to be in this mess the one day that I was supposed to be happy that exams are over? What is it that makes everyone that comes my way to break my heart and make me unable to function properly? 
I want to know things, even when I won't like them. And if I don't, I might express some negativity. But who doesn't?! And what's the big deal about it? I can't even cry about it, I am just pissed. Mostly at myself for not seeing this earlier, for not preventing it from happening. But I was okay with things, as long as I know about them and I told you that. And yet, you lied anyway. As if we need even more drama in our relationship, if it is one at all. I don't know what to think and believe anymore. I just want... Well, someone to lie for me, not to me, at least. Well, all the irony, I guess. The person I lie for, lies to me. It's just the way my life has always been. Always this close to something and never truly close enough. 
The funny thing is, I don't really care all that much. Things happen. People change. Me? Well, I am just as broken as I have always been with a few more scars and a few more pieces. And this time I can't really blame anyone, because whatever I do to myself, no one can. And I did. I fought, I lied, I never gave up. And this time, for once, I realize I had to give up long time ago. Because the only good thing about you is what I see, and I am delusional. 
I love lying to myself, mostly. That things are going to change. That you will stop hurting me. That we will be together forever. And then you say I am the one manipulating you. No. I'm not. I am trying to fit you in every possible way, while all you do is come up with something new I have to deal with. 


There's melancholy all over me. And I'm tired. But happy in a weird kind of way. One last exam, one last day of pressure. Suddenly that song appeared in my mind out of nowhere. "Dawson's Creek" is making me stay up late and enjoy every second if it. After yesterday and the morning I had, I could not think my mood can get better in any possible way. And yet when I called him with the intention to blame him for not being here, everything sort of faded and somehow things righted themselves. By that time tomorrow I will be having fun with some friends because I've decided to reward myself with a girls' party. 
My rewards are many and I will be spending next month on them and enjoying every second. And Callie or whoever said it, because I never remember the exact quote, just the meaning... Well, whoever said that you don't care so much about winning, as long as you just cross the finish line, was right. I just want this exam session to be over, so I can get back to my social life, enjoy some quality time with my friends and have fun. And I have a book to write, many to read and finish a script, as well. 
Above all, I want to go home and spend some time with my family, taste the newest cake my mother knows how to make, watch some movie with dad, hear some of grandma's stories and tell grandpa how I kicked my exams' behinds. What my efforts prove is that I can do it all. And also, SU really knows how to suck out all the life and inspiration out of its students. But I was born to do this, I guess... Working hard, being great, doing my best. 

22 февруари, 2014

bottoms up

I am having one of those days where bad things keep happening one before the other and I can hardly manage to deal with any of it, before even more bad stuff happen. It's the universe's way of reminding me that I have no control over anything. I want to sleep. And I need to, as well. And I want to have a happy dream instead of all the apocalyptic ones I've been having. Or, more accurately, I want to wake up from this nightmare I've been in for a few days. 
I've been too optimistic and trying to stay positive while things have been progressively sucking the life out of me. I love writing about issues and I have many, but I hate having so many issues. I am good at being an independent girl... When I have to. The rest of the time I gladly accept any kind of dependence I can get. And I have some trust issues, with which my idiot of a boyfriend is not helping me deal. Is there a way to love people without needing them as much? Even if there is, I am too big an idiot to find it. Sleep deprivation is not helping my mood and my attitude. People need to find their own people and leave my person alone! I feel like Christina when she was telling Owen to 'be her freaking person!'. Oh, and distance... Distance is my personal favourite thing to make me miserable. And exams too.
I simply need a break. Is it too much to ask for? A break with lots of books, food, TV-series, music and maybe writing. And since I get no break for all the hard work, I am planning on having a party on Sunday, because I could use some girl company and girl talks. That can fix me and my mood, as long as bad things stop happening. And people learn to stop messing my life. I can mess it up all by myself, thank you! I understand that you are bored but creating even more drama for me, after saying how much of friends we are is really touching. I mean, I must have been crazy to ever trust anyone. All my problems come from trusting people, really. And of them letting me down time and again.
Yes, finding out a supposed friend was the reason why certain bad things happened to me is the reason why I am this bitter. Okay, it's one of many reasons. And I just need to let it all out today so I can sleep and wake up into a better tomorrow. I am not sure how better can it possibly, since I will have to spend it studying but I have to stay positive. Otherwise I will give up right before the finish line. And I never quit. Which is also a reason to feel the need to hit myself with something hard. I fight too hard for things which are not necessarily worth it. Issues. Issues are going to be the death of me!

21 февруари, 2014

love you, mom

There is nothing like a three-hour conversation with your mom to make your lonely evening fun.
Yes, my mother is great and despite all the fights and differences we've had, I love her with all my heart and I love talking to her about all the things in our lives. I think it is only when you are away from someone that you fully appreciate how big a part they are of your life. Otherwise, you simply take them for granted and you waste your time trying to run away from them. That's what I did. And maybe the one thing I regret is not taking the time to enjoy our conversations then and actually listen. But, I was called a rebel today and I also love that part of me. There are too many parts of me, I guess. One that misses people, one that regrets things, other that says let's be crazy again, other that wants to be left alone and I guess many more that I have yet to find out.
But Tita and I love realising how our parents had lives before us and how awesome and great they were. Because it takes a lot of strength to go through life, as far as I know. And it is all just ahead of me. All the choices I will have to make, all the mistakes that will inevitably be part of my life, all the hard times. I've had a lot of heroes growing up. And just now I realise that the most important of them truly is my mother, because I am who I am because of her. I know that it is what people say, but in my case it is all true.
I may have been damaged and most of the times I probably have myself to thank for that for trusting people who did not deserve it, but I survived. I may have issues and freak out, but that means I care. You can't fully appreciate anything until you've been hurt and know what pain is. And I am grateful for all the bad things I had to go through, because they got me here and made me realise how much strength I have in me, how valuable such three-hour conversations are and how much people can love you and truly care about you. No one can possibly love more than her. And I regret hurting her the way I did, but I guess I can only try to make up for it and make her proud which is all I really want to do.

18 февруари, 2014

you write so beautifully, you must be so broken up inside

I want to write and make you fear me, I want you to burst into tears or start laughing and people think you've gone crazy. I want to hurt you and tear you apart, so that I can bring you back together. I used to be able to do that, probably because my words were hurting me when I wrote them, or they made me the happiest girl in the world. My point is, you can't write in a beautiful way, if you don't feel every single word with your heart and it doesn't take your breath away. I thought I wasn't going to write today, because I have a lot of other things to do and my inspiration was gone, until I opened my blog and saw a post in someone else's blog that just made me want to say things. That's the one - turning tables. I love finding inspiration every now and then, especially when I thought I wouldn't find it, even if it was staring me in the face.
Other than that, I have already made plans for all the things I want to do in March and I can't wait to set my creativity and inspiration on fire. I guess it's a good thing my day started with cappuccino and chocolate. Oh, and Teddy's inspiration is making me want to leave everything I have to do and write as well. Too bad my thoughts are all about the second book I'm planning on writing, but I guess the ideas about the first are ready and just wait for me to pour them onto the white paper and let them come to life. 

And I never thought people would be scared of their own writing, but it turns out I'm a unicorn for wanting mine out there, so people can read them. People, who write so beautifully do not want other people to read them and judge them and make false assumptions about them. I never saw it all as scary. It was my own personal happiness to hide within my words and write about people without anyone knowing. 
One more idea came to my messed up mind this morning. It is a bit sad to think about all the relationships you've had with people, be it friends or lovers. Because somehow, they will always be a part of your story. Mine used to scare me, because of all the words I never said. I used to hate myself for getting up around 9 and feeling all the scars open up for the hundredth time. Now I feel inspired and happy, ready to do everything I am supposed to and even more. Everything that was once about someone else, now is for me. Because I've realised that people don't really change all that much. Whatever you thought of them was your own idea in your own messed up head. Well, in mine, in that case. I guess I was mostly in love with my own imaginary versions of people. That seems scary. But me and my mind are old friends and we know how to lie to each other every now and then, so our life won't get boring. Well, even if people are part of my story, people that I no longer talk to or even know, it is still my story and in order to learn from it and be happy and grateful for the happy moments and the experience, I need to be okay with everything. And just today I've realised I am because all the things that once broke me in pieces now are my reason to smile and keep breathing. And I need not be reminded to do so. 

17 февруари, 2014

I'm loving February this year

It's the last week of studying and next week it's all new semester of new things to learn. I have too many things to learn in few very short days and I already wasted one day in laziness, because my mind refuses to focus on things like phonology and modern literature. I can't really blame it, the poor grey thing in my head has already learned so much in such a short time that I'm afraid it's inspiration may be gone for quite a long time after this exam session. 
Nah, okay, it's not that bad. At least the exam session is coming to an end and I will be joining my new group in class and Monday is still my day off thanks to the new schedule. I feel pretty lucky about it. And even tough I know how hard it is to deal with all the things in the Uni, I've been hooked on the idea of being a working girl lately. But if I want to start working, I am saying goodbye to my writing, because it all takes time. Plus I hate the whole applying for jobs thing, where you wait painfully long for people to respond to your e-mails and most of them, if they are not interested in you, won't even write to say so. So that is just an idea at that point. My new optimistic thing to think about. If not, I can always work in the summer. I guess these warm days feel like summer to me and I start being inspired about it. 
But in order to get to the inspiration part, I need to survive this week and I should start preparing for the exams that are just behind the corner. Oh, and my mom loves me so much, that she bought me new pair of jeans, a jacket and a beautiful necklace in the shape of a star. I love you too, mommy!

12 февруари, 2014

I might as well

I can't decide if it's the spring weather in the middle of February, or the exam in a few days that makes me do everything but actually study for that exam. People are going out, and I enjoy cleaning up the room, as if it's the most interesting thing in the world. Weird! My mother should see me now. Or not! She is an obsessive cleaner, so she will disapprove of my cleaning abilities and will try to remember if I am actually adopted, since I haven't inherited any of her cleaning skills, or at least the desire to acquire some of those skills. 
Helping people feels surprisingly inspiring. And being a friend has the same effect. Plus, the other day out of the blue I came up with something amazing on the Dark angel story and I can't wait for the exam session to be over, so I can write on it and get pulled into this terrific world created by my own imagination. 

I should probably stop writing about the things I want to do and start doing them, but my mind is too focused on the things I must do and it will ruin the experience for me. Which is why first I have to start with the things I must do, so I can be done with them and move on to the things I want to do. 

Wasn't that the definition of happiness? Something to love, something to do, and something to hope for. I guess I have them all. I must be lucky. In fact, every now and then I realise how lucky I am to have such awesome friends, family, boyfriend, inspiration... I suppose I should keep that in mind for the days when I hate everyone and I have the desire to never go out again. Nah... I probably will have those days no matter what. If I was good at talking to people and being social I wouldn't have been that good at writing. Then again, people keep saying that having a blog and writing things for yourself cannot be a solid proof for whether someone is a good writer. But it must be a start, at least. And if you write just to get published you might as well give it up right now. It's one of the arts for a reason. It is supposed to tickle your soul and play with your mind and make you see the world in thousand new ways at once. Everything else is a waste of time. And I never said I can change the world with my words. But since they are all I have, I might as well try, right?!

11 февруари, 2014

one step closer

I've been collecting quotes and pictures for the time when I am free to enjoy those kinds of stuff. Right now my mind if too focused on boring exams and I cannot properly enjoy anything, so I keep it safe for the time when the exam session is over. Books and TV shows and all those awesome things will be my reward for the hopefully good job.
Well, lately I've been lacking inspiration thanks to stress and exams, so I've spend the last few days playing pointless games and watching Grey's Anatomy for the hundredth time. I find it strangely relaxing, probably because I already know it too well and almost nothing can surprise me. But it's the almost that keeps me still watching it over and over again.
So far so good, three exams down and three more to go. I'd say wish me luck, but that means I'll get the hardest topics, so I will keep being optimistic and prove that I can handle it. Because I can. I was born to do this. If only I wasn't such a lazy ass. Well, I'm working on fighting it, but nobody's perfect.

07 февруари, 2014

everything is so distracting

After being lazy the past couple of days, today I really must learn as much as possible about morphology, even if I hate it. Yet my day started with making breakfast and listening to music, which I so want to do instead of studying.
I also found even more books to read this year. Too bad now I don't have the time or the sanity to do so. It's not my fault everything is so interesting now that I have to study. And the weather outside is perfect for a walk with a friend. And talking about interesting stuff.
I should follow my boyfriend's lead and actually step away from the laptop. And stop singing and wanting to listen to music. It's like taking my coffee right after I made it, but okay, I will become responsible again. Tomorrow is exam day again and I must be prepared. If only I could blink and it could be tomorrow and the exam is over...
Well, it's never that simple so I better start studying.

05 февруари, 2014

In need of fiction

From good to bad - the usual stuff around me. One day I get an excellent grade in Russian and the same night I find out that they are cancelling my new favourite TV series - The Carrie Diaries. It's about a young writer and it teaches people so many things from being responsible and making difficult decisions when you have to, to what friendship truly means. The characters are awesome, the actors are awesome, the writer is awesome! They cannot be stopping it! At least I have twitter to freak out to about it.
I think having four more exams still sucks but it is good that I'm done with the first two. I would feel a lot more relaxed if I didn't have an assignment to write instead of preparing for those exams, but every teacher believes their subject is the most important and here we are.
At least I have all the materials for the Modern Literature exam. Learning them is another question to which I refuse to answer. And I actually write my phonology assignment, tough I am not sure what to do on one of the questions and if it is even correct. 
People are reading books, while I cover myself with study materials. I am so living in the world of fiction once this exam session is over. And I am never getting out. 
Information overload all over again will be an interesting experience. Now I am following Teddy's advice and going to bed, because she needs me alive. 

03 февруари, 2014

too close for comfort

The best ending of the week is waking up on Sunday and starting to write because you can no longer stand the urge to do so. Being crazy works for me. I won't have time to watch my TV show today all that much because I have to learn a bit Russian but hopefully it will be worth it on the exam tomorrow.
Even if the day didn't turn out to be as good as the late morning relaxing, I guess I realised lots of things while watching "The Carrie Diaries". It sure is awesome watching a show about a young writer. I wish this was on when I was her age. It could have saved me from a lot of painful memories and ghosts. But won't that turn out to change the way I am now? Things happen for a reason. And I suppose I knew I should have looked for the broken things and that it would make me a great writer. That is what I always do - look for things that are broken, so they can break me as well and I can feel again. 
I guess that is why my minds loves my ghosts... My scary places... The cracks all over my heart and traces of touch all over my skin. Being broken is what makes me better. And being a writer explains perfectly the over-thinking of every single thing.
And I just realised why I would hate being a translator. It would mean translating stuff that other people wrote, instead of writing things myself. It would kill me. 
I may not have mastered Russian, but I have found even more inspiration. As soon as this exam session is over all I am going to do is drink cappuccino, read books, write my own and finish writing the script with a friend of mine. And looking on the bright side, after tomorrow there will be one less exam to worry about. 
I remember a time when I hated February. I had a good reason for it, of course. But the thing is ... Now I realise a trick when I see it. I know it all a bit too well to get fooled by it. I wish I knew it back then, but surely I wouldn't have been myself if I did. It would have been someone else. I don't really like February again, but it has nothing to do with my old reasons. It's simply just two cold and a lot of important things are happening right now. But I remember a night in February when I was wearing my american flag shirt and I was smoking a cigarette in 5 in the morning after a conversation and lots of drinking with my boyfriend who at the time was nothing more than a good friend to a girl, who was freaking out about all the things she couldn't say. And I was the same to him. We were two broken strangers in the night. And that was two years ago. And looking back, all my reasons for freaking out are stupid but if it wasn't for them he wouldn't have opened up to me the same way I did to him and none if it would have happened. So I change an old statement of mine to one of my many ghosts. Thank you for breaking me, so I can be perfect for the one who made me whole again. Well, as whole as I can possibly. I am a writer after all. I wear my scars with pride and I often touch them, wondering if it would hurt. Sometimes I even want them to, just so I can get the words to spill out of me. 
So, on second thought, I guess February is not so bad. The cold makes you seek warmth and who knows where you might find it. And here I find out that to my words about the cold and the spring warming me up came truth and my boyfriend was the one who gave me his warmth when I had lost mine. Where have you been my whole life, love? 

01 февруари, 2014

What if I'm a princess on another planet? And no one on this planet knows it?

I've been lazy the whole day after the exam. Ideas are fighting each other in my head, my mind desperately needs rest and I have a thousand more things to do. Yet people decided to reward my laziness with lots of fireworks. And the show I am watching is getting even better, tough I would like to see Kyddshaw together eventually. Broken characters are my favourite. And Jem is my only exception. 
Complaining part - the exams was too long and too terrifying. Of all the words Teddy found, only three were on the exam and the grammar part was horrible. I am pretty sure most of the subjects exist just because some crazy scientist decided to create a science on their own. Or it was simply created to torture students with. Well, I survived, hopefully with success. And after a few more episodes and hours of being lazy I will have no more episodes to see and I will be forced to write my phonology assignment. Or my awesome boyfriend will hold me to my movie date idea for tonight. 
Well, it will be an interesting night. One of many where I will have to fight the urge to quit studying and do something fun.
ps. Why are my characters so real when I haven't slept properly? It's like I can almost hear them, feel them, live through them. Writing is also my escape from reality, I guess. I love them the most when I can feel them breathing. It is as if I am breathing too. And the air has the scent of Riley's soft breath, mixed with the bitter-sweet perfume on his neck. I can also smell something burning on the background, or is it within him? Could it be the fire in his heart as he once again breaks himself trying to do it all, protect everyone, sacrifice himself. Yeah, he is that real to me. 

freak out - it's exam session

Yeyy, exam day is here. Well, okay... It's in like 9 hours, but I am excited about it. Or more like wishing it was over sooner than later. Yet, instead of studying hard I just revised everything and I an hoping I learned more than I think during the semester.
Ideas are making me dizzy already and I really need to focus. My mind already needs a vacation and the exams haven't even started yet. And oh, I got my phonology assignment, which is going to be a lot of work and thinking. Don't teachers know we have like six exams to worry about and we do not need more things to do a night before the first exam?! Too bad they won't let me listen to my music during the test. I have found it way easier to concentrate while listening to good music, instead of the silence in the room. It's like the tension is even more obvious and breathtaking.
Well, new month - new adventures, I guess. Damn it, I hate how quickly time is moving when a new year begins. I like being a second year and it's going to be over before I know it. I guess my inspiration comes from Carrie and her inspiration to be a writer. If only things were working out for me the way they are for her. But then again, the harder it is, the more you enjoy it. I hope!
Now I should really go to bed and revise the words one more time. Plus my awesome boyfriend is reminding me that in order for me to be awesome tomorrow, I will need some sleep. Wish me luck and may the exam session begin. May the odds be ever in your favor!