23 февруари, 2014

And the more I see, the less I like...

So my unconsciousness had a point to make me hear this song. What do you do, when the person you count on the most turns out to be the one constantly stabbing you in the back? I deserve being lied to, okay. I do. Because I've lied to so many people about so many things but at least my intentions were never wrong. I wanted to protect someone. He lies to me just so I don't yell at him. Well, good to know. But it hurts. And my skin has too many scars all over it. I have no more scars for you. I can smile and push back the tears, I can start lying too. But I thought I deserved the truth at least from you, because you are the reason why I lied to so many people I care about and ruined so many relationships that I will never be able to completely fix. 
The question is why am I letting this happen over and over again... It sure ain't the end of the world if it all just ends. I've survived worse. I guess I just wished all my lying was worth it. Because it this ends, I've lied for no reason and hurt people for no reason other than simply being the selfish person I obviously am. 
God, take it like a man and do whatever else you want! Why do I have to be in this mess the one day that I was supposed to be happy that exams are over? What is it that makes everyone that comes my way to break my heart and make me unable to function properly? 
I want to know things, even when I won't like them. And if I don't, I might express some negativity. But who doesn't?! And what's the big deal about it? I can't even cry about it, I am just pissed. Mostly at myself for not seeing this earlier, for not preventing it from happening. But I was okay with things, as long as I know about them and I told you that. And yet, you lied anyway. As if we need even more drama in our relationship, if it is one at all. I don't know what to think and believe anymore. I just want... Well, someone to lie for me, not to me, at least. Well, all the irony, I guess. The person I lie for, lies to me. It's just the way my life has always been. Always this close to something and never truly close enough. 
The funny thing is, I don't really care all that much. Things happen. People change. Me? Well, I am just as broken as I have always been with a few more scars and a few more pieces. And this time I can't really blame anyone, because whatever I do to myself, no one can. And I did. I fought, I lied, I never gave up. And this time, for once, I realize I had to give up long time ago. Because the only good thing about you is what I see, and I am delusional. 
I love lying to myself, mostly. That things are going to change. That you will stop hurting me. That we will be together forever. And then you say I am the one manipulating you. No. I'm not. I am trying to fit you in every possible way, while all you do is come up with something new I have to deal with. 

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