22 февруари, 2014

bottoms up

I am having one of those days where bad things keep happening one before the other and I can hardly manage to deal with any of it, before even more bad stuff happen. It's the universe's way of reminding me that I have no control over anything. I want to sleep. And I need to, as well. And I want to have a happy dream instead of all the apocalyptic ones I've been having. Or, more accurately, I want to wake up from this nightmare I've been in for a few days. 
I've been too optimistic and trying to stay positive while things have been progressively sucking the life out of me. I love writing about issues and I have many, but I hate having so many issues. I am good at being an independent girl... When I have to. The rest of the time I gladly accept any kind of dependence I can get. And I have some trust issues, with which my idiot of a boyfriend is not helping me deal. Is there a way to love people without needing them as much? Even if there is, I am too big an idiot to find it. Sleep deprivation is not helping my mood and my attitude. People need to find their own people and leave my person alone! I feel like Christina when she was telling Owen to 'be her freaking person!'. Oh, and distance... Distance is my personal favourite thing to make me miserable. And exams too.
I simply need a break. Is it too much to ask for? A break with lots of books, food, TV-series, music and maybe writing. And since I get no break for all the hard work, I am planning on having a party on Sunday, because I could use some girl company and girl talks. That can fix me and my mood, as long as bad things stop happening. And people learn to stop messing my life. I can mess it up all by myself, thank you! I understand that you are bored but creating even more drama for me, after saying how much of friends we are is really touching. I mean, I must have been crazy to ever trust anyone. All my problems come from trusting people, really. And of them letting me down time and again.
Yes, finding out a supposed friend was the reason why certain bad things happened to me is the reason why I am this bitter. Okay, it's one of many reasons. And I just need to let it all out today so I can sleep and wake up into a better tomorrow. I am not sure how better can it possibly, since I will have to spend it studying but I have to stay positive. Otherwise I will give up right before the finish line. And I never quit. Which is also a reason to feel the need to hit myself with something hard. I fight too hard for things which are not necessarily worth it. Issues. Issues are going to be the death of me!

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