18 февруари, 2014

you write so beautifully, you must be so broken up inside

I want to write and make you fear me, I want you to burst into tears or start laughing and people think you've gone crazy. I want to hurt you and tear you apart, so that I can bring you back together. I used to be able to do that, probably because my words were hurting me when I wrote them, or they made me the happiest girl in the world. My point is, you can't write in a beautiful way, if you don't feel every single word with your heart and it doesn't take your breath away. I thought I wasn't going to write today, because I have a lot of other things to do and my inspiration was gone, until I opened my blog and saw a post in someone else's blog that just made me want to say things. That's the one - turning tables. I love finding inspiration every now and then, especially when I thought I wouldn't find it, even if it was staring me in the face.
Other than that, I have already made plans for all the things I want to do in March and I can't wait to set my creativity and inspiration on fire. I guess it's a good thing my day started with cappuccino and chocolate. Oh, and Teddy's inspiration is making me want to leave everything I have to do and write as well. Too bad my thoughts are all about the second book I'm planning on writing, but I guess the ideas about the first are ready and just wait for me to pour them onto the white paper and let them come to life. 

And I never thought people would be scared of their own writing, but it turns out I'm a unicorn for wanting mine out there, so people can read them. People, who write so beautifully do not want other people to read them and judge them and make false assumptions about them. I never saw it all as scary. It was my own personal happiness to hide within my words and write about people without anyone knowing. 
One more idea came to my messed up mind this morning. It is a bit sad to think about all the relationships you've had with people, be it friends or lovers. Because somehow, they will always be a part of your story. Mine used to scare me, because of all the words I never said. I used to hate myself for getting up around 9 and feeling all the scars open up for the hundredth time. Now I feel inspired and happy, ready to do everything I am supposed to and even more. Everything that was once about someone else, now is for me. Because I've realised that people don't really change all that much. Whatever you thought of them was your own idea in your own messed up head. Well, in mine, in that case. I guess I was mostly in love with my own imaginary versions of people. That seems scary. But me and my mind are old friends and we know how to lie to each other every now and then, so our life won't get boring. Well, even if people are part of my story, people that I no longer talk to or even know, it is still my story and in order to learn from it and be happy and grateful for the happy moments and the experience, I need to be okay with everything. And just today I've realised I am because all the things that once broke me in pieces now are my reason to smile and keep breathing. And I need not be reminded to do so. 

2 коментара:

Lollidella каза...

I have to admit that in the beginning of this post, literally, in my mind there was an alarm which was ringing in RED! and sreaming to me - Marchy is at it once again.. i mean, there're these periods of yours when you decide something and hardly there's someone that can talk you out of these things.

So, yeah, for a little longer than a moment I was ready to pick up my phone and start lecturing you ... BUT.. there's always a but, isn't it? I'm pleasantly surprised!

Go on! That's the only coherent piece of advice which you'll get from me.

`Ем каза...

Don't worry, I have no time for such wrong-doings anyway. And I love waving at them as they pass me by. The only way I am doing something crazy is to help my inspiration, which these days does not need any help, so I'm fine and you have nothing to worry about. (hug) <3 And as soon as you're back we have inspiring things to do. And I must admit something - I've watched the movie (City of Bones, I mean) or more like the first 20 minutes of it without you and it's just not the same without someone to freak out to. <3
Me misses youu :*