06 април, 2014

A while ago

Karma has a way of proving that there are more circles of hell than I have known of. Dysfunctional relationships are my speciality these days. My two weeks of being a lazy ass have now become four. Every other night I am out with friends or anywhere with friends and I don't feel like ever touching a textbook again. I'm sick of doing everything right and yet tonight of all nights when I could have done some damage myself, I preferred to be a good girl and invite friends over instead of going out. Because it was only fair.
It sucks when a nightmare comes to life. And it sucks even more when it keeps happening on a daily basis, as if I have no better things to do than deal with whatever else comes my way.
It's like ... Out there are all the things I want to do and I can almost imagine the girl I want to be, but while standing here, I can honestly say that I will not like myself all that much if I become that crazy version of myself again. It messes things up, it ruins everything that comes her way. And it ends up even more broken that the people that got hurt in the process. Yet, here I am thinking about it and regretting my sane choice.
Just when I start breathing again, things fall apart and I suddenly feel like packing as little clothes as possible and going far away from here. Away from my life, the way I made it, away from all the dysfunctional relationships in my life and all the nightmares, sleep deprivation and avoiding problems by creating new bad habits for myself. If only I had the courage to actually do so, it would have been a different story. Hell, I would have changed that story long time ago. I need peace and quiet. I need to be able to breathe and not have people walk over me or do stuff behind my back. And dare they be hypocritical and talk to me like nothing happened, I will not keep my mouth shut and I will not be nice at all. Because my life is too short to spend it around people who I don't really like. Not that I like myself all that much right now, but some day I will be brave.

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