26 април, 2014

Familiar taste of poison

Yep, right on time Karma, thank you so much for this one day of peace, quiet and happiness that you managed to ruin as soon as midnight passed. I mean, is it all really that screwed up or am I making it that way? Just when things are starting to look bright and shiny again, there is another crack, another thing to torture me.
I am a prisoner of my own choices, I say to myself, as once again I choose most probably wrong. But this is my year of going through all the circles of hell until I can't possibly take any more. And sometimes I believe it's worth it. Other times I only see that you are trying to prove to other people from your past with me. But am I not doing the same? Only I am proving myself that as much efforts I put in, it will be worth it.
So I take once again the knife from my back and I give it back to you. I am all out of scars, but draw over the old ones. I'd gladly accept it all, as foolish as it may sound, because I don't run away and I don't hide.
Basically that is why I managed to stay awake for 24 hours, sleep only four afterwards, get up, realise how stupid this all is and how much I wish I'd wake up and it would have been a bad dream, then sleep again for one or two hours and then manage to survive a birthday party to a girl that I find closer and closer to me every time we talk about the stories we write and the ideas we have as it we saw it all happen and we are telling each other about our characters as if they are our friends and we were there with them. Well, that is kind of the story, but you need to be a writer to understand me. Otherwise you'll call me crazy and move on.
And on top of that, all her great ideas come to her in dreams and they are truly great. If only I could dream my ideas every night, I'd never want to wake up and I'd only sleep and wake up to write. Well, why even write it... I'd be blissfully distant from reality which at this point is the one thing I want and can't possibly have.

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