19 април, 2014

nothing stands in my way

Now that my ghosts are gone, I find myself fighting those of other people. My pleasant dreams are replaced by sleep deprivation, which has been a constant in my life and I am used to it, but not when nightmares go hand in hand with it. My mind is a blur of thoughts and I keep ignoring most of them, because I don't feel like thinking about every single thing all that much. I do what I want and I decide who gets my time and more importantly - who doesn't. Of course, I have some people in my life who believe my entire universe is built around them but I can't really fix every damn wrong thing in this world so hopefully, that will pass.
Other than that, my laziness is coming to an end and thanks to Teddy I'm starting to feel the weights of all my responsibilities again. I wish I was reading Mara Dyer again. The nightmares I had from her were bliss. The new ones, that are just another circle of hell for me, are purely based on all the stuff I refused to deal with or I didn't even want to admit they existed. Point for Karma, I guess.
I've been thinking that if you don't appreciate what you have now and look for something else, when you get it you will hardly appreciate it as well. It's just the way things are. You are either grateful and happy for all the things you have or you can never be happy and will always be looking for something even when you have everything you need.
I don't even feel like fighting for the things that belong to me any more. I feel like staying in bed all day, watching movies, reading books and desperately trying to escape all the ghosts.
Thank you, Vili for having all that faith in me. I wish I could see myself through your eyes more often.
And I've had a silent period again, because too much thinking makes me crazy and some doubts reappear, the ghosts visit me way too often and it's all a Halloween party of the madness in my own pretty little head. During the holidays I became lazy again, so I haven't done much of anything and there is a panic attack waiting for me the new few days when I realise how many thing I have to do. I know... I get whiny and I will blame it on the spring that refuses to come and kick winter's behind.
Also, I find myself missing the girls' nights that we've had and the going out every other night. And I was saying that I'm not the going-out type. Turns out I am only with the right people. Plus being out means I don't have time to think and be hunted by ghosts. And I've also made my point and managed to kick some people out of my life which I believe is for the best. It is my damn life and this is how I'm going to live it - happy, spontaneous mostly, drinking my cappuccino, reading my books, writing some and avoiding everything else that might cloud my perspective.
Oh, and I so miss Mara and Noah I might as well quit on everything and get lost in it all over again.

Няма коментари: