20 май, 2014

broken shreds of me

It's been quite the emotional weekend with me having to bite the inside of my lips not to cry but that's a confession for another time. I just love my sanity put into question when I read something and I relate so much that my skin aches while I'm reading. That's the kind of book I'd like to write - one that drives you crazy and begs you to read it, to never stop reading, to want more. The book is "Entangled" by Cat Clarke. Well, I certainly don't feel ready to leave the world of insanity aside and get back to reality with all the exams coming up, but what choice do I have with the Syntax midterm in a day. Still, I can feel the need to do some drinking and writing in a Grace way because I feel like I could use the crying and the realisations that have been stalking me, making it hard for me to breathe at times and giving me the strongest desire to rip the skin off my body, or more like all the layers, masks, skins... I look back at those oh, so distant times when my biggest wish was to ask for the world and have it actually be a person. I look at myself and see all the cracks in all of it. Well, look at all the good it's done me. I sure got what I deserved. I am sure to get even more of that for all the pain I've cost. I will forever be haunted by my own doings because I somehow managed to create my own personal hell right here on earth. And I deserve it all. Because it might seem like it's all okay, but it sure as hell isn't. And I should have known better! I should never have been so stupid, naive, selfish, teen, young, careless. Only I did care. I do care. I care and it may kill me, but I will use the blood on my skin when there is no more ink to fill the papers and I will gladly accept all the circles of hell I'm headed for, as long as I have the strength to write it all down. Not that it will make it all go away. But I must at least try till I still have the sanity to do so.

16 май, 2014

Farewell to Cristina

Warning: This post contains spoilers, so read on your own responsibility!
Yet again I'm crying and laughing after watching the season finale of Grey's anatomy. That show has been such an important part of my life because whenever something goes wrong I love escaping between the walls of the hospital and share some of their greatest or saddest moments and forget about my own. Other times I simply miss the show and watch it over again to a point where I remember most of the patients, what happened to them, what songs were in the episode, I can even tell the lines with the characters. Shonda Rhymes may be cruel in the way she tortures her characters but I can't not thank her for creating them and making them all that great. And Cristina and Meredith and Alex were always my favourites, so I am so sad to see Cristina go and yet so happy that she got what she deserved for all the hard work and the things that happened to her. Stepping in for Burke and finishing what he can't is just the perfect way for her to continue her career. And I especially loved how she told Mer not to be a hero and out her hands in a body cavity with a bomb in it and then how she told her to mock Alex so he doesn't become insufferable and to take care of him and Owen as well. I am a bit sad for how she said goodbye to Owen but I guess anything else would have killed him. Best moment ever is after the dance party, when Cristina told Meredith that she's the sun and made her realise what she needs to do. I am all for her and Derek, but he has that God complex that Burke had before and I'd really like to see him watching the kids while Meredith makes some ground-breaking research and cures some disease or something. And the finale... Really ?! I'd never been able to guess that Meredith has another sister who is the daughter of Ellis and Richard. Damn, that will be good.

09 май, 2014

another form of insanity

Yet again my dreams turn into nightmares, I go to bed early only so I can lay in bed, sleepless and full of thoughts and ideas. My mind is making it really hard for me to function properly. All those things that happens not so long ago have become my personal torture guards. Whenever I start feeling better and things are okay, they show up, take the best of me and leave me bleeding insanity all around me. 
Sleep deprivation was not my fault this time. Dreams just wouldn't come. And then they did. Once upon a time I had a black period of no dreams and I wanted to dream again. I take it back. Take my dreams away. They scare me. Me being with a friend on the beach at night, simply walking around in the sand, talking and seeing a ship in the distance and suddenly water all around. The boy with me yells at me to stay with him, I start running and I can't reach the bottom, because the damn water is too much. I have no idea how I get out, but later on that same friend makes me realise he can be way more than just a friend. That reminds me of an actual conversation I've had with my sis. I'm not sure if that idea comes from him being as damaged as I am, or from the familiarity of knowing him pretty much all my life, or if that's pure chemistry there. Whichever it is, it only messes my mind and makes dream such crazy things. 
While in reality I have ghosts to deal with and he's not helping. This is another he, just for the record. Yeah, I sound weird, but who cares. It's my insanity I'm trying to cure, so I might as well write it down and hopefully resolve it. Writing is a healing process for me, most times. 
So that other he is the reason for my insanity and ghosts. And the reason why I give strangers my phone number. Well, one stranger, and that I have an idea how to fix.
Other people should not suffer from my insanity. In reference to my previous post, I'm totally that person who knows what that relationship feels like and I'm too involved in it to simply run away and leave it all behind. I'm trying something here, and it can be all I've ever wanted, or it can be another walk in hell. Whichever it is, I never walk away and give up, so I'm in this. I do sound a bit pessimistic, but that is only because whenever I get hopeful about things, they fall apart. I'd rather be prepared and not imagine how awesome life can be. It makes me way more happy if things work out and not so sad when they more often don't. 
So my insanity has few names to deal with and I have some ideas that need to leave my mind before they drive me crazy. And my insanity also has a soundtrack which I find quite interesting, all things considered. 
Halestorm - Private Parts
Chris Daughtry - What about now?

08 май, 2014

in your darkest night, you are lovely

My mind's been full of thoughts this very fine sunny morning. I've managed to burden myself with quite the responsibility and I really hope it works out just fine. Other than that I started thinking about the popular knowledge that when you had a crush on someone and you never got to actually be with the person, you want it more and you wonder what it could have been and you imagine and think about it. But that's imaginary. It's some kind of delusion your mind creates to torture you and make you believe that the person in mind was the one and you'll never meet any other like him. Well, that's exactly the point. If it didn't work out with him, it's his loss and what could have been is what you wanted it to be. What you can truly be tortured with is knowing what it was with someone and losing them no matter who's fault is it. It is what makes you fight harder, because you know how perfect for you this person can be for you, even if there's a hard period right now and he isn't all that perfect. Then what you will eventually miss will not be your own imaginary relationship with that person, but all the real things - his touch, his lips on yours, the sweet and steady sound of his heartbeat under your head or the not so steady breathing every now and then... I'm not saying that this is more painful and the other version of missing someone is something less. Half the trouble in my life comes from my own thoughts. But still, missing someone for who he is is way harder than missing someone for who you want and picture him to be.
Anyway, I am way too happy to be thinking about such dark things, but the mind is a mysterious thing, Dr. Grey... It turns out that Teddy and I are done with almost all the things we are supposed to hand in at the end of the semester, while our beloved colleagues haven't even started. It feels good. I hope that drive to do things lasts till the end of the exam session, because it's going to be a pretty painful experience without it. Well, I have some more stuff to do, so let the random thinking stops and focuses on the important things.
P.S. Icon for Hire - the soundtrack to my thoughts. In fact, they have many more awesome songs if you happen to like them.

06 май, 2014


I wake up with the annoyingly melancholic song in my head and my mind starts remembering the text, I hear the music and I'm no longer asleep. But what comes next is not in any way something I've been meaning to think about. In fact, I haven't in I can't remember how long. It's just facts at first, of a summer when I'd never allow myself to sleep till noon, for simply the bed felt too big for just me and someone had left it, so it was like a habit to get up as well and follow. Well, can something you've done once turn into a habit? Because habits are the things get used to doing, but I never really had time to get used to anything. Things just happened and I did the best I could.
So, I lay on my side of the bed, my legs are cold and I try to pull as much of the blanket around me as possible and I'm trying to wake up the boy sleeping next to me, so he can help my dysfunctional brain stop its games, but he won't wake up. I wrap my legs around him in an attempt to steal some of his warmth, but he doesn't have any because the stupid weather has turned the room into an ice cave. At least the thought of getting warm manages to push aside the annoyingly pure memories that threaten to overwhelm me. I even turn around, as if I'm trying to leave them behind and have some more sleep. And yet the memories keep playing before my eyes as I close them. There hardly any feelings left on the matter, just the annoying idea that I used to get up before 10. My mind plays me facts, scenes where I'm supposed to cry and cover my face with the blanket. I do no such thing. It's been a long time ago. Tough I do consider it all to blame for my following actions of stupidity. No, it wasn't stupidity - it was hope and the romantic dreamer in my head telling me it can all work out. It sure did, indeed. With him thousand miles away and me falling for a friend of his. How we got here, I have no idea... And I don't really want to think about it, but my brain does those things sometimes. It doesn't even hurt any longer, it just makes me sad for me and for all the hope that was wasted on someone, who could never have appreciated it.
And I doze off, so I can wake up to another memory, and another... They are supposed to trigger something - tears mostly, anger, old forgotten feelings, but there aren't any left. Which is why it all turns into a movie that I watch but I don't really like or care enough to think about. I figured it's a day when years ago something happened and now I'm unconsciously remembering it, but it's not the case. It's just the rain and my lack of writing and my brain provoking me to think. Or the lack of sleep, really.
Whatever it is, It's over, but I guess I was surprised that my brain can still do those things to me. It's been a very long time since it ever pushed memories in my head and made me remember them. Too bad the holiday is over, I could use a day of rain and writing.

randomness all over

You know how when you get excited about something and you can't wait for it to happen, it turns out to be the worst thing in the world. Well, welcome to my life!
At least I made a surprise for myself by buying myself breakfast yesterday and forgetting to eat it, because I had breakfast for today to make me feel better. I managed to sleep maybe six or seven hours after I couldn't fall asleep till 4 am. last night due to stress and pressure and lots of stuff happening all at once. I don't care how hard it is, I can make it... But it shouldn't have been all that hard. Because after the day I've head, I swear I never want to get out of my room and I'd really much like to sleep for a whole week, so I can sleep off my bad mood, my sleep deprivation and the desire to never go to SU again.
Well, that was like a week ago, I guess, so now things are back to normal. My kind of normal, of course. Also, I might as well think twice before leaving my number on a napkin and creating more trouble for myself. And Goodreads has become my favourite place to hang out, because of all the books that are waiting for me to read them.
Surprisingly, I stopped being lazy because it got boring, so I started catching up with all the things I have to do and forgot all about my writing yet again. Well, work first, fun later.