09 май, 2014

another form of insanity

Yet again my dreams turn into nightmares, I go to bed early only so I can lay in bed, sleepless and full of thoughts and ideas. My mind is making it really hard for me to function properly. All those things that happens not so long ago have become my personal torture guards. Whenever I start feeling better and things are okay, they show up, take the best of me and leave me bleeding insanity all around me. 
Sleep deprivation was not my fault this time. Dreams just wouldn't come. And then they did. Once upon a time I had a black period of no dreams and I wanted to dream again. I take it back. Take my dreams away. They scare me. Me being with a friend on the beach at night, simply walking around in the sand, talking and seeing a ship in the distance and suddenly water all around. The boy with me yells at me to stay with him, I start running and I can't reach the bottom, because the damn water is too much. I have no idea how I get out, but later on that same friend makes me realise he can be way more than just a friend. That reminds me of an actual conversation I've had with my sis. I'm not sure if that idea comes from him being as damaged as I am, or from the familiarity of knowing him pretty much all my life, or if that's pure chemistry there. Whichever it is, it only messes my mind and makes dream such crazy things. 
While in reality I have ghosts to deal with and he's not helping. This is another he, just for the record. Yeah, I sound weird, but who cares. It's my insanity I'm trying to cure, so I might as well write it down and hopefully resolve it. Writing is a healing process for me, most times. 
So that other he is the reason for my insanity and ghosts. And the reason why I give strangers my phone number. Well, one stranger, and that I have an idea how to fix.
Other people should not suffer from my insanity. In reference to my previous post, I'm totally that person who knows what that relationship feels like and I'm too involved in it to simply run away and leave it all behind. I'm trying something here, and it can be all I've ever wanted, or it can be another walk in hell. Whichever it is, I never walk away and give up, so I'm in this. I do sound a bit pessimistic, but that is only because whenever I get hopeful about things, they fall apart. I'd rather be prepared and not imagine how awesome life can be. It makes me way more happy if things work out and not so sad when they more often don't. 
So my insanity has few names to deal with and I have some ideas that need to leave my mind before they drive me crazy. And my insanity also has a soundtrack which I find quite interesting, all things considered. 
Halestorm - Private Parts
Chris Daughtry - What about now?

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