06 май, 2014

Echo

I wake up with the annoyingly melancholic song in my head and my mind starts remembering the text, I hear the music and I'm no longer asleep. But what comes next is not in any way something I've been meaning to think about. In fact, I haven't in I can't remember how long. It's just facts at first, of a summer when I'd never allow myself to sleep till noon, for simply the bed felt too big for just me and someone had left it, so it was like a habit to get up as well and follow. Well, can something you've done once turn into a habit? Because habits are the things get used to doing, but I never really had time to get used to anything. Things just happened and I did the best I could.
So, I lay on my side of the bed, my legs are cold and I try to pull as much of the blanket around me as possible and I'm trying to wake up the boy sleeping next to me, so he can help my dysfunctional brain stop its games, but he won't wake up. I wrap my legs around him in an attempt to steal some of his warmth, but he doesn't have any because the stupid weather has turned the room into an ice cave. At least the thought of getting warm manages to push aside the annoyingly pure memories that threaten to overwhelm me. I even turn around, as if I'm trying to leave them behind and have some more sleep. And yet the memories keep playing before my eyes as I close them. There hardly any feelings left on the matter, just the annoying idea that I used to get up before 10. My mind plays me facts, scenes where I'm supposed to cry and cover my face with the blanket. I do no such thing. It's been a long time ago. Tough I do consider it all to blame for my following actions of stupidity. No, it wasn't stupidity - it was hope and the romantic dreamer in my head telling me it can all work out. It sure did, indeed. With him thousand miles away and me falling for a friend of his. How we got here, I have no idea... And I don't really want to think about it, but my brain does those things sometimes. It doesn't even hurt any longer, it just makes me sad for me and for all the hope that was wasted on someone, who could never have appreciated it.
And I doze off, so I can wake up to another memory, and another... They are supposed to trigger something - tears mostly, anger, old forgotten feelings, but there aren't any left. Which is why it all turns into a movie that I watch but I don't really like or care enough to think about. I figured it's a day when years ago something happened and now I'm unconsciously remembering it, but it's not the case. It's just the rain and my lack of writing and my brain provoking me to think. Or the lack of sleep, really.
Whatever it is, It's over, but I guess I was surprised that my brain can still do those things to me. It's been a very long time since it ever pushed memories in my head and made me remember them. Too bad the holiday is over, I could use a day of rain and writing.

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