08 май, 2014

in your darkest night, you are lovely

My mind's been full of thoughts this very fine sunny morning. I've managed to burden myself with quite the responsibility and I really hope it works out just fine. Other than that I started thinking about the popular knowledge that when you had a crush on someone and you never got to actually be with the person, you want it more and you wonder what it could have been and you imagine and think about it. But that's imaginary. It's some kind of delusion your mind creates to torture you and make you believe that the person in mind was the one and you'll never meet any other like him. Well, that's exactly the point. If it didn't work out with him, it's his loss and what could have been is what you wanted it to be. What you can truly be tortured with is knowing what it was with someone and losing them no matter who's fault is it. It is what makes you fight harder, because you know how perfect for you this person can be for you, even if there's a hard period right now and he isn't all that perfect. Then what you will eventually miss will not be your own imaginary relationship with that person, but all the real things - his touch, his lips on yours, the sweet and steady sound of his heartbeat under your head or the not so steady breathing every now and then... I'm not saying that this is more painful and the other version of missing someone is something less. Half the trouble in my life comes from my own thoughts. But still, missing someone for who he is is way harder than missing someone for who you want and picture him to be.
Anyway, I am way too happy to be thinking about such dark things, but the mind is a mysterious thing, Dr. Grey... It turns out that Teddy and I are done with almost all the things we are supposed to hand in at the end of the semester, while our beloved colleagues haven't even started. It feels good. I hope that drive to do things lasts till the end of the exam session, because it's going to be a pretty painful experience without it. Well, I have some more stuff to do, so let the random thinking stops and focuses on the important things.
P.S. Icon for Hire - the soundtrack to my thoughts. In fact, they have many more awesome songs if you happen to like them.

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