17 юни, 2014

finding my way back to myself

Pretending really does at least half the job. I have managed to lie even to myself that I am okay and breathing is easy when truly it hasn't been in a while. But I'm scared that all the other things are pretending too. Because if they weren't I wouldn't be having weird dreams and thoughts and stuff. I am telling myself that it's all I ever wanted, but it's not. I want greatness! I want the world!
Yes, I do. And that world is not you. You might be a part of it, but I want so much more it hurts to even think about it. I have so many things to do, and so many things I want to be doing, that I doubt I will be myself afterwards if I ever get where I want to get. But I guess that's exactly what I need - to have my own world and then think about all the pieces that combine to build it. That is when I will truly know what is real and what isn't. And as hard as it is, I am doing everything I can to keep myself together, because I know very well how much of a class act all of this is and how uncertain I am. 
I need my escape and I can't have it. Yes, other people love talking and being around other people so they can forget about their problems, but I don't. I love being able to think about things and I am perfectly comfortable with my thoughts as crazy as they may seem sometimes - it's a writing thing. And when I truly can't handle the craziness I can always drown it by rearing a good book, but I have exams coming up and there really isn't enough time to be reading books when I haven't even touched my textbooks. 
This therapy session is over and I better get it over with Syntax, so I can at least read or write a few chapters. 

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