20 юли, 2014

74-75

Was this supposed to be the sign? Fia finally listening to Annie and leaving James behind?!
I just finished reading "Perfect Lies" and it sure seemed like the sign I was talking about a few days ago. Sadly we only see the signs we want to when we are ready to see them so the fact that I am wondering is a progress but not a final step.
Is it weird that I like being around strangers. They are nice, they smile and wish you a good day. You don't know them and you can't in any way be involved in their drama which makes them the perfect company. I don't really feel like being around people who know me, because I may not be able to smile all that honestly. I feel like a fraud for some strange reason. As if I failed and now all I have to do is walk around in shame. 
I am in love with my past. Yes, I am. It had all those dreamers and sunshines in it. They were giving me their hope and wanting nothing in return. They were warming me up with their optimism and everything was easy and simple. Not that there was no drama back then, but the bigger you are, the messier everything is. 
It comes in waves... All the flashbacks of what it used to be like. And then the sad reality of what it is. Like when you looked at the pictures and laughed, because you didn't see us at first. There are things that you simply don't do or say to the people you care about, let alone love. 
I just now realise what I'm doing with all the writing. It's not healing myself or fixing myself in any way. It's finding my way towards the answer to it all and getting used to the idea of an ending where I wanted eternity. Because there is no such thing. I am long gone with all my hopefulness that things will get better, because even if they do, I never will. All the tape and the glue won't be able to make me forget the things I've heard and seen, the things I've had to live through only thanks to being so stupid as to let myself love so much. I shouldn't have. Even the writer in me is begging me to run away, start over and never look back.
There is no denying that I will miss this. There is no denying that sometimes I will hate myself for not being strong enough to get through it all. But then there will be times where I'd be glad I escaped when I did, because there will be someone who will hold me for hours listening to all the stupid things I have to say and will love me for it. And coming to see me won't be annoying, the cat biting him will be one more thing he'd love (I hope) and I will never ever have to tell myself to be strong until I cry myself to sleep. 
No, not now. Not yet. But soon. And it will be okay. I won't be fighting someone else's ghosts, just my own as usual. I won't be holding on for myself and someone else and the holes within my soul won't hurt that bad. And the thought doesn't even make me want to cry anymore, I am the ocean. I am the waves and the fire and I will burn bridges and drown meadows the way I was burned and drowned so many nights in my sleep. 
I say I never leave and never walk away, that I am the one to stay, but is it worth it?! To watch people come and go and to not even be able to make them stop?! I don't want to stay anymore. I want to be moving, coming and going and never staying. I am myself the most when I write and when I love, but why should I be when... Sorry ever after...

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