25 юли, 2014

Ave Atque Vale

It's over. And I don't need to be reminded how to breathe. My circles of hell have become countless till I finally realised that I have been holding on to a dream that I have created myself. You can't love someone for the both of you. Even if you can, you shouldn't.
And I finally had a night without nightmares of drowning and fighting and when I woke up my head wasn't full of thoughts but I only wanted to sleep some more. There is nothing left to say or think about. I have become the ocean that kept drowning me for months now and I am washing away all the scars with the taste of salt water all over my skin so I can heal faster and become myself again. The self I love and adore for her craziness and wildness. The self that is never afraid. Well, that will take time. Because there are ghosts around of what it should have been and how could I have fixed it. Truth is I never had the chance because I was not enough. I was never what I should have been but that is not my fault. I never fooled anyone about being something more than myself.
In all honesty, my world does feel like it's falling apart, but it has been like that for the past couple of months and for once it feels like it's for the best. Like there is still hope for me out there. Hope for my broken self and all the craziness.
I was just about to start crying all over again about everything I've lost and then I realised what I was getting - my life back. My choices are all for myself, my actions can't possibly hurt anyone and I can be as bitter and as awesome as I want and no one can say a thing about it, because I am nobody's and no one is mine. I have always dreamt of belonging but for once it feels wrong.
And I have the most adorable friends in the world for their support and for sharing our idiocy when I feel sad because it helps and I no longer feel sad. I feel light. I breathe, I feel, I may cry sometimes but it will be for me, not for us. And I actually want to cry it all out and to have nothing to come back to and no ghosts to hunt me.
Yes, there will be places I will never go to again or I will but very rarely and only with friends. And there will be songs that I love but will never hear because they will bring tears to my eyes. There will be pictures, movies, little habits I never realised were there but will now be so painfully obvious with their absence. I am made of the things I have lost, indeed. And it all makes me stronger.
When you've been trying so hard to be your best self and you fail and lose, you feel like you should do something bad to deserve the pain and the loss but whatever you do will only hurt you more.
I thought waking up would be the hardest part but it is going to sleep. Because then it feels like a lie, all of it. Like a bad dream that I will wake up from any minute. But my reality was the nightmare. And the morning is clear, full of my cat purring and cuddling around me, making me realise that I am actually happy and I have everything I need even if I don't have you. Because I have my friends, my family, my writing and above all - myself. 

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