09 юли, 2014

paper flowers

It sure as hell is awesome for my day to begin after no more than five hours of sleep and him waiting at the door till I am opening my work place. Yes, I do know your name. Of course I remember, since you are the one happy thing to cheer me up around. 
Well, I am a sinner and I know it. If Satan would take any human form it would be me everywhere, all the time. Nope, not even Satan, something worse. Anyway, you were right, mydear blue, if it was easy, we wouldn't have been the one to have to do it. 
Now I know why I have so many different thoughts all the time. Whenever I read a book, I become some of the characters, especially if it's first person narrative. I so perfectly capture the behaviour and act on it, that I later find myself amazed at how good it felt to be someone else. The perfect form of escape, especially if you don't have the time to write yourself and yet you need to forget about reality. 
It was the same when I left my number. My job may have managed to screw up my grades and my nervous system, but there are some benefits like boys coming all the time and smiling at you even though you do not look as pretty because of the lack of sleep and the lack of time to actually put some makeup on. Yeah, thoughts like that are dangerous. But damn you, Fia, for making me think like you. It's the new book I'm reading - 'Mind Games'. It affects my sanity like so many before. 'What sanity?!' you may ask. Well, that is a fair question. Sometimes I wonder myself if I am crazy because I write, or if I write because I'm crazy and I need to express my craziness and share it. 
And this job is all wrong. I mean... It has it's difficulties at times and some other things, but at the same time it feels right when people are happy and grateful for what you did for them. My headphones broke yesterday and I can't really enjoy my music, but at least for now I have time for writing. 
I could use a drink. I could use a lot with my recent bad luck and disappointments. And okay, I keep wondering about what ifs and wanting to deserve my place in hell if I hadn't already. It's this thing where bad things keep happening and I need to make something bad to deserve them. But you'd be a good thing in some parallel universe and I would be the bad thing that will ruin you. Like they ruined me. Writing is so entoxicating thatit makes me dizzy and confused. I want to know your story and if I do I will love you for I do not fall in love with people but with the stories behind them and broken things are beautiful, but why am I not if I am so broken? It sucks when you realise that you were able to fix someone but you got even more screwed up in fixing them and now there is no one to fix you. And they are like 'I didn't want you to do this and that, so what do you want from me now?' Fair enough. I don't want anything. Except something else to fix, some other story to hear and please above all, give me endless conversations of the ones shared over a few sips of a strong drink late at night when the words you were afraid of start falling off your lips and it's okay. Because in the dark no one would know how broken we are. I want to talk about the past, the future, the present, to rant about the daily troubles we've been through and to celebrate the happiness that comes after you share all your pain with someone, even a stranger and you suddenly feel light. 
I guess that is why I miss all my sunshine dreamy boys who kept saying that things will get better and that things are never really as bad as they seem. I need more people like that in my life. I need them - specifically. Oh well, who would know that after finally having what I wanted then, I would want what I used to have before. 
Is it really wrong to ask strangers if they like cats so that you can start a conversation and make them not strangers? After such a question I guess they'd run away, but still. Yeah, waking me up early has that weird effect of me thinking stupid things all the time. Why didn't I answer, damn it! Why didn't I say I like the name, or that I remember only the names of cute guys. Right?! Not creepy and stalkish at all! My minds is singing this!

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