17 юли, 2014

that's what I get

You are saying you're here and I am telling you that I am too, but sometimes I don't want to be. It is true. Sometimes, more often that before, I find myself wondering about what it would be like. And I so much like the idea of him that I feel like a criminal caugth on the crime scene with no way to escape. You are the one that kept hurting me till I was all out of scars and I am the one feeling like a sinner with a place in hell.
I tell you I want to sit outside in the night on a bench and talk and you laugh at me, because the idea seems rediculous. It isn't. And they all get it. Why can't you?! Why is it that I am sitting here waiting, I am waiting for something to happen, for a sign, for a final draw of blood and a final scar... And you don't even see that. You can't realise how finished I am, how broken. It's not going to go away until you don't stop with your stupid acts of friendship towards people who hardly care about you but somehow they are the ones you want. Yes, leaving will break my heart, but isn't it broken already?!
I was supposed to write a happy post about seeing someone yesterday while being with a very dear friend and I was actually sad to be home because I had fun. I haven't had so much fun in a while, like I did these past few days and it had all been with friends - old and new.
Honestly, I am not sure what scares me more - being alone or being without you. Which should be telling me something but I am still proving that despite all the crap we can do it. And I realise we only made it this far because I wouldn't let go for so long. 
But proving that I am never brave enough, I will keep reading my awesome book and will wait for a sign until I get sick of it all and make one myself. Because I never run away but maybe I should learn to. 

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