11 юли, 2014

wasting away

When you're dreaming with a broken heart.
 The waking up is the hardest part.

I have so many quotes in my mind right now, that I could make a post with them only. But I won't. Because I have words of my own and francly that is the only thing I have for sure. Though they fail me as well at times. I am barely able to keep my eyes open and I have three more hours of work to go and then I have to pack some stuff and get ready for tomorrow because I will be getting up, going to work and then leaving for my awesome Teddy's birthday. I could use the break from reality. In fact, I find my mind wandering in places it shouldn't go just to find some hope, some comfort.
Yep, I wish I could take a break whenever I can. But it doesn't work that way. And maybe I should start giving up easily and run before I get like this - a shadow of the self I used to love. The thing is I am strong. And every time I break I get stronger, but I don't want to be. I want to be safe and happy. I want all the simple things, nothing epic. And I may be strong, but I am also stupid because a sane person would have run long time ago. But I am a writer, I live to bleed. I go to bed with stories and characters on my mind and waking up to reality truly is the hardest part. Which I guess is the reason my mind won't go to sleep for hours after I go to bed.
And the nightmares of drowning and big waves and dark water all over me keep making me want to drink coffee and not go to bed ever again!
I am not sure if I need you or just the presence of someone anymore. I don't deny all the things you've done, but I have done them too and I am still here. I am always here and you are telling me that the ones that are truly strong can handle everything for themselves. Sure, but it was never supposed to be that hard. I am glad Asha is there to purr in my ear and to try to lay in my lap and comfort me. They say cats understand when you are having a hard time. If it wasn't for her, I would have gone crazy if I hadn't already.
Well, I am a prisoner of my own choices once again. Yet here I am waiting... I am not even sure what for. I guess you are my sign that things will get better. I need a happy thing. I am not even sure I want what I have right now, because this is not the way I thought it would be. 
I need peace and quiet and a friendly conversation after midnight over a bottle of some strong alcohol and a rain outside, the way it will rain tonight. I need comfort and happiness from the simplicity of things. I need a new story, I need a fresh start and I need to know I am not the only one wanting things and giving it all. 
I want to be dancing in the rain, not hiding my tears in it. I want my skin to be hot so the raindrops feel like ice when they touch me. I want to not care at all that it's raining and to be so happy my face hurts from smiling. I want the world! And some sleep or coffee. I have to make it to tomorrow and it will all be okay (I hope).

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