22 август, 2014

i must be every therapist's dream

In the cold light of day I still feel empty where I should feel happy. Because as good a thing as this is, I am not. I can never be. I am the ocean, I am nothing. Nothing can ever be enough for me. I want flames, I want waves, I want the storm and I want the calm after it. Because like it or not, ghosts exist for a reason and they tend to break you even after you are so done with them you can't believe they were ever people before. But it hurts and it drowns me and I can't breathe. I did not deserve this and I do not deserve him now, because all I can possibly do is try and fix myself by using him, by breaking him. I don't want to, but I will. I can't be that girl again who builds sand castles and pretends to be a princess. I can't possibly lay awake at night hoping to see him tomorrow, when tomorrow tends to be the scariest day yet. Bad things happen and I don't want to be there when they do. So I want to do bad things and deserve everything that comes after. I need to reach that point of self-destruction where there is nothing else left but ghosts, the smoke of my cigarette, the taste of his lips and his warm touch and the scars that is all left all over me. 
It sucks when so many people were responsible for your world falling apart. It sucks that you were hoping that one of them would be holding it no matter what. When the truth is, you only ever have yourself. And that should be enough. Will be enough!
That's it. In order to start over you need to burn it all from before and never look back. And I am so good at looking back. But not going back. I have wasted myself away on people who could never possibly understand what it takes to be around them. I have lost my edges and become a version of myself that makes me sick. I want to have my fire back and to write and to be. Without any complications and thoughts. With just my music and no more of his perfume all over me. I need to be myself, to be free, and to be on my own, before I can belong again.

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