11 август, 2014

light me

And then there was silence thanks to all the over-thinking and sleep deprivation. My head is a mess and my thoughts take a life of their own too often for me to be able to handle them. I am in the desperate need for answers and as my issues go, I am also desperate to fix things and do my best again just so I can be laughed at later. Well, what's new around here.
But you can't fake that and it can't be just the habit. You just can't. Which is why I am full of chances and I am giving them for free till I'am left with nothing but what should have been.
Now there is the me who wants it all back and is ready to ruin what's left of her to have that and the me that takes care of everything and keeps me whole as much as it's humanly possible. Because it sucks and it hurts and it will never stop hurting me, but to be honest, I want back what it used to be, not what it was lately. And that part of it will probably never return again. Sometimes I think I want all the bad parts so I can have the good, but then I remember all the times I've hated myself for not running away and being to scared to admit that it was not what I wanted. I am all for giving chances and ruining myself since I was never whole anyway, but there are some things that you can't fix even if there is nothing left in you afterwards. Because no matter how much you give, there's no one to give you back and to fix you. I have managed to fix myself a bit, and I have awesome friends to help me reach a level of proper functioning until it all makes sense again.
I swear, sometimes, especially late at night or early in the morning it feels like a dream. Like I've had a nightmare and he will call any second asking what's wrong and I'll tell him and he will tell me that it all never happened. But then after two hours I manage to trick my mind into accepting the truth until it forgets again. And the tears come and I feel like screaming but nothing comes, because I am short of breath and it hurts all over as if I will simply stop being any second. Those are the darkest times, I guess. And then it all light bit by bit. As long as I am not left alone for too long, I am okay. I even just wrote a song, but I'm pretty sure it sucks, because I've never been good at that. Still, I am doing my best.

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