15 август, 2014

the devil within

This post goes with a favorite song.
And there are things that you know you're going to regret the second they are over, but you do them anyway, because you owe yourself at least a little bit of faith to choose what is right. Yet what is right cannot possibly be more wrong for me. It is the scene of a crime - the crime of me thinking that I might be good for him. I can't possibly be. My blood doesn't rush through my veins from his touch, my lips don't hurt where his touched them, my hands don't ache from being away from him. What aches are the pieces of me that somehow still care about others and want them to be okay and I feel like I will be the reason why he is not as awesome as he is right now any more. I told you this was a bad idea. I am no good for you and no good for anyone right now, which is why I should not be standing all that close to you and you should be running. Because I was where you are right now when my whole mess started and I was determined to fix what is broken without realising that I will cut myself so badly on the shreds of someone else's broken heart. Because hearts once broken can never be replaced or properly fixed and will always have sharp edges here and there and what they are good for is to break others. 
It's so easy to believe the lie that things will be okay when someone is looking at you as if you can be whole again. I could have... Past tense. I need to fix myself and not do so by hurting someone. I need to go through all the pieces, cut myself again if I have to, figure out what I need and what I don't, throw stuff away, empty my system from the memories and give myself time to make place for new ones. Because where what ended stands I had an eternity planned and I can no longer fight for things that don't exist but that doesn't mean that it won't hurt again as soon as another dark day comes. I need caffeine. Three hours of sleep do not work well with my messed up brain. I need craziness. I don't need peace and quiet and understanding but for someone to tell me to shut the hell up, stop thinking and start doing. Scream, kick, throw things, break things ... That's fixing. Sitting under the night sky looking at the stars is what you do after the storm is over and mine is not nearly there. I am the storm. I am the ocean and I need to be nothing and feel nothing until I can properly give name to my feelings and stand behind my choices. And yet I am scared to look myself at the mirror, because I kind of want to punch myself for having the oh-so innocent idea to actually give myself a chance. 
There is no saving me. And even if there was, I don't want to be saved. In fact, I'm starting to enjoy my insanity and the fact that I couldn't care less. His heart was about to burst out of his chest and mine was simply pulsing and keeping me alive. I don't find it hard to talk because you are there but because what I have to say might not be what you want to hear. 
So much thinking and I don't even have coffee in my system. I need to sleep and be away and figure it all out. I have exams, I have a family vacation to plan and I so want to be left alone. It is quite painful to be in my own skin and accept my actions. Last night it all made sense. Now it doesn't. Well, no. It didn't make sense last night when I was left alone. It only made sense because my sick and twisted mind needed the comfort of having someone so awesome see something good in me. Just because he sees it, doesn't mean I do. And I thought I might.
No more right ways this time. If I am going to be broken, I will make sure I deserve it.

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