02 септември, 2014

i've been called worse II

Eventually feels a lot different than actually. Well, not. It feels simply like something I should not have had thrown like that in my face, but the harder it is, the better the overdose of immunity that I'm gaining. It's not even that I care anymore. I just have bad habits when I care and I can't get rid of them all that fast and easily, no matter what. But I am slowly learning how to do the things I did with someone else all by myself now and there will be things I will never do, songs I will never hear and so on... But I guess it's true what they say about your brain. That when the pain becomes too much it blocks it all away, switches you off and doesn't allow you to feel all that much. It protects you from whatever is h
urting you to the point where you feel pain all over your entire body and you'd very much like for it all to end. And then it does, and when something disappears so suddenly when you were so used to the pain, you start aching for it, looking for it. I am masochistic that way. But I am learning to accept only what is good for me and I am slowly but steadily accepting reality and loving it.
But I mean seriously?! You call me a bitch after everything we've had? How am I the bad guy if I held on for so long when you were giving e so little? How am I the evil one for having someone find me and make me believe again even a little bit in magic and stuff? How dare you call me names, after you are the one who goes out, gets drunk, sleeps around and texts your ex before me?! You've lost the right to call me anything when you said you did it all for fun. And you've lost the right to hold me responsible for my actions when you kept writing to her for two months behind my back. In fact, I don't think calling me a bitch is so bad. I've been called worse, you know - try your girlfriend. Or whatever the hell I was. I'm not the one throwing the past so lightly away. You did that for me long time ago. I am just catching up and doing it my way. If that bothers you - here's the door. Hell, I can even hold it for you. No one asked you to stay. In fact, you should have left by now. So whatever I do, I do for me. Whatever habits I have, I will get rid of and if I never see your face again I'd be glad. 

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