26 септември, 2014

kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

This is supposed to be the scary place. For everyone but me. This place is what saves me, mostly from myself and the ghosts I have managed to surround myself with. Because I am in the exact same room I was two months ago. I am sleeping in the same bed, I am wearing the same clothes, I am drinking from the same cup of coffee. But everything else is different. I have put my things on the empty places on the shelves, I have chosen the spot in the room where I've never been till now and I am slowly turning into someone new, who might just be strong enough to survive this and actually be happy again. And It's going to take a lot of fighting, mostly with my own ghosts and myself. It's going to take some drinking and caffeine and nicotine in my system. It's going to take long nights of thinking and writing. But I am happy to play my part, because at the end of the day all I have is who I am, right?! Well, that's the song saying. Of course, I have so much more - friends, boyfriend, family, writing. But when it's raining outside the way it used to rain over me for two years and when I am all alone with just myself and my thoughts, I have to be the one to push all the ghosts to rest and not craw in my bed every time a damn shadow of a memory crosses my mind.
It sucks. The fact that I don't want it all back but it makes me so sad that I kind of wish the nightmare never ended. It was my nightmare, I was used to it's ugliness and monsters. I am a bit masochistic that way - I pick the things that will break me and I try to fix them. As a result I am the one who needs fixing. September is almost over and the waiting is over too. All the things I wanted are real. But it's been one hell of a summer and I'd really love to feel steady on my own two feet again. "Grey's Anatomy" is certainly helping me have that. Because whenever my life sucks, I have Meredith and Christina and Alex to turn to and they never fail to bring out the tears and the realisation that life may suck, but we have our people and we are going to get through it all, no matter what happens. After all, it's my damn life. I owe no apology for how I chose to live it, because I am the one who was on the edge two months ago and he pulled me back from it in a way he will never know. They say life doesn't give you the people you want, but the people you need. I needed him more than I'd admit. I needed someone to believe that I can be whole and to not look at me as if I'm crazy. Which I am, but the way he looks at me... It's okay, you know. Everything I've done, all the dark places I've been to... It's all okay. 

1 коментар:

Mirage каза...

Straight from the heart...

Keep up the craziness, its what makes us real.