01 септември, 2014

reverse of shades

Преди морето:
Днес става цял месец от епичният край на една вечност, не успяла да изтрае дори до половината на третата си година. А аз съм събрала възможно най-малко багаж и очаквам да приключа с работа, за да тръгна по белите линии към морето и блаженото спокойствие, което носи то. Да, като сме на морето мислим по-различно. Затова ще се постарая да излея себе си в думи по страниците възможно най-много и да разкарам от ума си лошите мисли. Заслужаваш повече от това да те плаша на всеки два дни и не трябва да го мисля, но е по-добре да го измисля сега, вместо да е така отново на всеки два дни.
След морето:
It feels good to have someone look at you as if you were never broken before. And then, to actually see how broken and damaged you truly are and to still want to stay around for all your craziness. Like I wrote a few days ago:
Good things don't come when you're ready for them. They come at the worst possible moment, sweep you off your feet, tell you to shut the fuck up and remind you how awesome your life can be.
I wasn't asking for him, I wasn't even looking and he found me. And I thought I am a black hole with no more strength to do anything for anyone but he makes me want to build castles again and tells me the things that I usually have to endlessly explain to other people. Maybe, just maybe, I have finally chosen the right thing and I can start fixing myself without breaking someone else to do it. Maybe it's even okay not to be normal and fixed. I am okay with being me, I love it here, I am grateful for all the lessons I have learnt and all the people that came in my life to teach me. Because I know what a good thing is, I know how to be careful with my own heart the way I can be careful with others and I the demons and monsters no longer bother me all that much. We live peacefully with each other and I love having them, for they remind me of how far from myself I can possibly go and how bad it all can hurt. No one said it would be easy, you know ... Letting go of things and being in peace with them. But I am. I am even grateful for how things ended. I am grateful for all my awesome friends who kept telling me I was better off way earlier but I needed this to end that way. I needed to waste away what was left of my ideas of eternity. Now that it's all gone, I am free.
I cannot believe I actually said this place is full of demons and monsters, but it might as well be. It carries the ghosts of who I used to be, of who was around and who vanished as soon as another day came. This place carries the darkest places of my soul and I said I'd never lie to him because I need him to be scared and run away, but I no longer want that. The death of me he will be.
Well, I will not be showing him this place. Because it scares me sometimes too much and I can only imagine what it will do to him. I am cleaning up the mess all around and I'd usually sit on the floor and cry over what is lost but considering that half of it if not more was what I imagined it to be, I can't cry any more. I can simply look at the last year's final post which I did not publish and remind myself why I am better off. Not that I don't know. And yes, the illusion is tempting and I've always been a dreamer in love with her fairytales. But the point is to be happy. And I was never as happy as I am now. Which was the reason why I didn't want to keep it a secret and deny it any more. I have doubts, mostly in my own broken self, but I always do, because things around me tend to fail more often than I'd like them to.
It's not fixing ... It's rebuilding. For I have given myself away and now I need to gather what is left and build what isn't all over again. I can say I'm sorry, but I'd do it all over again, because I needed it to be this way, so I can grow up and learn and never make the same mistakes again. So I owe no apology for finding a way to fix things and I owe no apology for deciding how to live my life. How people handle it can't possibly be my problem, since they weren't here to live through it all. 

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