07 септември, 2014

until it hurts

I am on overdrive and I'm scared of drinking coffee, for it might actually get worse if that is even possible. Like someone is holding a gun to my head and my thoughts are running with thousand miles per hour trying to figure out an escape plan as the trigger is being pilled and the bullet travels the very short distance towards me. And it's all in slow motion, because my mind isn't. 
How did I become the bad guy in the story of how he broke my heart and called me a bitch?! Why is it that I feel like saying stuff and why does it feel like ending all over again if it already ended?! 

You should have been gone long time ago. As in the moment you said you don't love me the same way, or when you tried to make me break up with you. I should have listened when the people who care about me told me to run and leave you behind but I held on because I had faith in whatever it all was. I had faith not just for me, but for you too. I defended you when I didn't have to, I protected you and I lied for you. All so you can hurt and lie to me. We pick our own medicine and it may kill us but at some point it was what we needed. I am letting go with the idea that it was a good thing and that we were just too young or too careless to handle it right. I am letting go and trying for the life of me to not lose the friendship we may have had and you are sitting there acting like the biggest jerk in the world and blaming me for it all. As if it's not enough that I am still barely breathing and functioning relatively properly only thanks to him. Weren't all the sleepless nights with you out enough or the lies and the sneak outs?! Was I not hurt enough? Are there any more circles of hell for me to walk over? 

I make no apology for how I chose to repair what you broke! And I will defend that statement because I owe you nothing. You can change the story and tell me facts are facts. You can tell me that I am only pretending to be the stronger one, but the fact is I am. Because I am the one trying desperately to move on while you still use the word "ours". I am the one who has been picking up pieces from wherever you left them, while keep throwing away new ones that I don't even remember giving you. Yeah, okay. This is not what strong is. Strong is not being able to talk to your ex in person?! Strong is telling her she deserves someone to appreciate her the way you never could and then hating her for it.
I didn't throw it all away over a week. I've been doing so for a while. I keep doing so. But I guess I've grown into faking the okay part so much that people don't question it as much. And it works. I'm still here and not throwing myself in front of a bus. I am breathing, writing, not crying. I am holding on to myself and to whatever might save me.
I am actually a bit glad you keep hurting me, to be honest. I am not sure if I would have moved on if it wasn't for that. You managed to break whatever hope I've had for you as a person and made it easier for me to realise how much I don't want to be around anymore. When that was all I wanted. 
Well, it's going to be a while till I get this hit all covered and handled but I will eventually. I hope. 
And my relationship status, not that it should be any of your consern, was never meant to disrespect whatever we had. But it feels wrong to be hiding the one thing that keeps you going. I am happy for the first time in a long time and the world might as well get used to it. 

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