06 октомври, 2014

dead inside

Hello, my dear scary place!
Outside is still so dark that I feel like never getting out of bed. Well, I will have time to do that, considering that my mom won again and I had to give up my job. Next week is my last and I was a bit sad about it, but I will find something not so time-consuming. After all, the goal is to have time for writing and books. I am just a bit pissed that I also gave Asha up just like mom wanted, but I do believe she will be better with all the other cats at home than with me and my craziness here.

I miss the nightmares of drowning. They disappeared so suddenly.

And then I drowned...
I need this to be over and for me to forget it all. I know I'm all for remembering all the good and the bad for the happiness I felt and for the lessons I've learned, but I can't live in a world where the one thing that was keeping me together turned into the thing that broke me so much that...
That as someone with too many issues, I turned to the scariest ways of escaping it all. 
I drown in my sleep over and over again and that is when I actually feel something. The rest of the time is all on the simple functioning from one day to the other basis, with some exceptions that can barely measure up to the feeling of emptiness and numbness. 
It should hurt me. My hands should be burning from touching things and I should actually feel pain where I was once touched. But I barely feel anything. And if I actually force it, all the memories, all the thoughts, all the words I could have said, I'd drown for sure. 
I'm not sad, I'm not happy... I am existing. In a very basic way. 
Ще минат малко повече, за да се науча да ценя това, което имам сега. И него може тогава да го няма. Защото давам най-доброто от себе си да се поправя, а се връщам към предишни начини за спряване с проблемите, които водят единствено до нови проблеми. 
But hey, it's what I do. I mess things up as if they are not messy enough. I will figure it out, someday. Until then there are plenty of things to fix me. What's worse is I've been in hell for so long that I love the torture. I love it so much that when it's not there, I create it for myself. Or my mind does. 

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