15 октомври, 2014

letting it go

I almost said it. It's been a while now since I feel the need to say stupid things and then I get scared or insecure. Because I should not be able to feel that way anymore. Or it might be my mind playing games. But what is important and special about tonight is that I want to actually feel this way. I want to be head over heels, I want to be over the moon about it, I want to forget how to be scared and to not think but simply feel. I don't want it to be temporary, till I am somewhat fixed, but for much longer.
I hate this. I hate what I've become. I had wings. I was fire. I was so many things. I did so many things. Things that I never thought possible. I fought, I swam, I tried over and over.
Truth is you can't truly be happy until you let go of what's holding you back. You can't enjoy the present and be hopeful about the future if you are still looking at the past.
He never really said hello. He kept looking back, waiting for the past to come and take him, waiting for it to happen all over again. And I kept waiting for the opposite. For the present to hit his head and for him to say goodbye to what it had been and hello to what it is. 
I am a mess, as you've already figured out. My boy (that feels so good to write) is awesome and thinks I'm awesome too. I'm not. I can't possibly be, with all the invisible scars on my skin... and the visible ones. But somehow I want to be. I want to be the fire, I want to believe, to dream, to hope and to not give up on him and mostly on myself. I felt like giving up so many times before on people who never deserved it and cared. And I gave up on myself because of them, I forgot how to put myself first, how to be careful with my own heart. But that's okay. Because I will not be like you. I will not let that one thing to define me. I will survive, like I always do. I got over him, so I can also give up on all the hopes and dreams I've had about us and the idea of you that I loved so much. Mostly because it's not real. And no, you don't talk like that about the people you cared about, you don't blame them for your own mistakes. But it's what you do - you feel the need to walk all over me and what we had so it becomes unimportant. That is how you feel. But not me. I matter. My feelings matter. Everything I did mattered. And I will keep my head high and will remember all the things I got out of those two years. While you can take all the hate and drama. See, we don't even need the paper to separate what we've had. Thank you for teaching me love someone who is not giving you anything to love. Imagine how I can love someone who will love me back the way I deserve, like you wanted. Thanks for being the idiot who broke my heart so I don't break yours. That one was lovely. And above all thanks for all the lessons I've learnt and I have yet to learn from our relationship. 
My future awaits me, my present adores me and I am yet to realise how great my life is, in spite what I've been through. And I still have dark days where I go back to old habits but on the bright days I know that I can do so much more, I can be so much better than before and just for me this time. 
I didn't drown this time. I dreamt of big dark waves coming and I was running towards them and I ended up on a bridge above them and they were still too little and too far. I will no longer drown. I will keep reminding myself why I need to stay away and it will hurt, but I need to learn and that is the only way. And when I'm done learning, I will be free of the prison I created for myself. 

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