14 ноември, 2014

all the honesty I can handle

My black hole of a soul can't get high on emotions for long enough to forget all about the mess I've created for myself. And it's that time of the day when I kind of want it all back. I want to have the bad times, so I can also have the good ones. It took long enough for that to happen. The past comes back to hunt me and torture me some more. The present is making me ask myself why I wanted that kind of present and was it even my choice after all. And the future... I don't want one. I want to stay home all day, read books, watch TV-series and write some epic story. I want to meet awesome people and have conversations about books and music and to be inspired. 
Unfortunately, hardly anything registers above the 'I don't care' level. Hardly anything matters. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I don't matter, since all my efforts were in vain. Other times I think that I actually made it all this way... Made him this way. And while I'm sitting here feeling all gloomy about the past, he's out there doing who knows what with someone else. Well, that's life, I guess. Some people passing through your life only to leave a mess behind. 
I don't know what I want to hear. It's like... I want to have more reasons to keep walking and not turn back, but then I also want you to realise that I did matter. Funny thing is, if you hadn't realised it while I was around, how will you when I'm not. Well, I'm here. I'm in the exact same place. I took your part of the room, so I don't see it as your part of the room anymore. I kept hurting myself by wanting to know all the stuff you have been saying about me. And yet there is a part of me that still can't believe it's real, considering what we've been through. 
I know, okay. I only have one life and I shouldn't waste it on people who couldn't care less about me. But there were times when things were so great, I wanted them to last not for a lifetime, but for many more. And then there were times when I thought my chest would finally break or I'd go completely insane from all the dark thoughts and things happening. If it was meant to be, it wouldn't have been so hard. But I don't do easy. Simple and quiet is not for me. I am not quiet and easy. I am loud and hard to be around most of the time. And yet he was here. Then other people came along and ...
And today is supposed to be a happy day, but somehow isn't. I feel like something else is ending and I keep trying to give it a chance, but it's just not anything. There is no fire, no magic. There used to be for a while there and then I have no idea what happened. 
And this thing? I don't even want to go there. It's so messed up that I'm seriously considering escaping it all and simply being all by myself. Hell, I have awesome friends to keep me company when I'm happy or not so happy. What else do I need (slap me for the answer in my head)? My masochistic soul wants what it wants. It's trying to tell me that there can be a new way back for us and I hate that thought. Because of all the things he said and did. Because I am a damaged version of myself and I don't feel like I'm ever going to be fully myself again.
This thing has all it's ups and downs. It can either make me or break me. But I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with it. And I don't want to ruin anything again. It's bad enough that I ruined my past in some way, because it takes two to mess things up and I am soon going to mess up my present, because he just doesn't get me the way he used to. 
I can't stand my own thoughts most times. I do this thing over and over again. I say things and repeat them not so people would know, but so I can believe and accept them. I am constantly fighting my own twisted mind and it's thoughts of a way back. Well, not constant, but there is always a moment every now and then where I find myself thinking about it. I am a stalker also, so there goes that. 
If you can find a reset button for me and my brain and heart, please press it a few times, because I will soon lose what little is left of my sanity. 
PS. And how exactly do I handle the fact that we are strangers who have so much memories it kills me to want them gone? How do I let go of all that I believed would be my future? Yeah, I know. It happens and it's life and I should get over it. I know that. But I'll always be a prisoner of my own choices. The past will always hunt me and no matter what, I'm the girl who adores Blair and Chuck for no matter how much they hurt each other, they made it. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff. Just because I know what my problem is, doesn't mean I can solve it. 

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