20 ноември, 2014

killing me would be too easy

A week ago I had a plan to end things with my question marks and to have all my time dedicated to writing and being dark and twisty. Of course, it is never the case. Whenever I call a last week of something, there is another and another. Whenever I feel like the drowning is over, a new wave hits. I am not even sure which way is up and I honestly couldn't care less. It's like, when I'm out of it, I keep looking for a way to get back in and when I'm finally in, I can't hold still, I can't control my thoughts, my breathing, my previously locked up emotions that are now completely free and all around me. 
And for the life of me, I can't help but feel both broken and alive again. Yep, there goes my theory that what is killing us is also making us feel more alive in its own sick and twisted way. 
You must be like the cigarette I am smoking yet again, so I can regain some control over myself and for just a second forget about you. Pleasure and poison at the same time. I've always had a thing for such things. I can't even write about it, because I am still too close to it all. 
Do you actually think I want to wait for you?! I wanted him and all his innocence, I wanted to be whole and happy and not look back. But no, you had to show up out of nowhere to test my defences and no surprise, they failed me yet again. I actually had the hope that I can fix myself and fall for the right guy, the one who would never hurt me. Well, you used to be that guy. But no, I had to start thinking about you again and you had to show up at exactly this moment, so you can mess with my head again. I don't want to wait for you. I want to be able to move on and learn my lesson and never look back. I don't want to want you. I don't want to remember all the good times. I want to remember just the bad ones. But when I see you and we start talking about some ordinary things, I see it again - the reason I liked the idea of us so much. And you had to use that smile and look at me that way. You had to say all those things only to slap me with the ghost of her and the reality that you are still not sure if you want me. Well, I never said it would be easy. It will be worth it, sure. But when was I into the easy things anyway. This is probably the reason why I found him boring and ordinary. Yes, he was special in his own way, but I am way too crazy to get used to that. 
You, on the other hand make me want to hit you and kiss you in the same time. You make me want to torture you and whisper things in a low voice, while being oh, so close to you. You sure will be my ghost if nothing else. Thanks for that! As if I wasn't insane enough before, now my insanity has your name. It's late and I can't fall asleep, I can't wake up in the morning, I can't function properly all day because the annoying thought of you keeps showing up and if it's not that, there is another message waiting for me to see it and curse you over and over again. 
If not else, I will sure try to write you out of my system. Because I should not want you back, I know that. I may not love you any more, but I don't love you any less either. 

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