05 ноември, 2014

make me lose my mind

The night is so beautiful at 4 am. It is such a waste that most people sleep at that time of peace and quiet. I have so many ideas in my head and so many responsibilities in the morning that... I am also going to waste many of my nights sleeping. But every now and then there will be 4 am. again and I will be awake with my own thoughts. My mind is peaceful almost. Time has passes and I still find myself drawn to all that has happened. I still feel the pain most days, the hatred that came along with all the things that happened. But I realise now that all of it will make me better. And things happen for a reason. So I wouldn't have to wake up in ten years and realise that I have wasted my life on someone who couldn't care less about me. 
I am broken, yes. He is giving me the world and I can't for the life of me bring myself to care. Probably because I am so used to fighting that now, when someone is fighting for me, I can't feel it as real. I need a challenge. I need it to be a world set on fire, drowning in my sleep, looking for you whenever I'm awake, going crazy, texting you all the time, ignoring you after. I need fire, like the one I have within for my own life and my writing. I would very much like it if you could be that, but that would make me selfish and I don't want to be selfish with you. Not any more than I already have been. That gives answers to the questions I'm not asking myself. And you will probably be the good thing I go back to when I get hurt again. That's when I'll realise what you mean to me now. But I guess I still have things to figure out, so maybe I won't think that way in a day or two. 
It's funny how my insanity when it comes to writing and stories is what kind of keeps my sanity from slipping completely away. This is what I want to be doing, you know - write stories that keep people awake and make them laugh, cry, excite them, drive them crazy, inspire them. I was born to do this. Everything else can go to hell, but my words never will. For as long as I keep writing, I will be okay, no matter what happens to me. And when my writing fails me, I have many books to inspire me, the way Mara Dyer has, just like it did today. 
I am happy in my own weird way. I may fail my classes and my room might be a mess, but it's okay. I can't find it in e to fall in love with my awesome boyfriend, but it's still okay in a way. Maybe I need to belong to myself before I belong to anyone else. Which is part of what I plan on telling him when I see him, probably tomorrow. I am still giving myself and us a chance and I am still a mess, so my mind changes every two days. Plus, I'm happy. Can we keep it that way for a few days at least?

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