15 ноември, 2014

sanity suits me just fine

I guess it's that time of the night when my thoughts flood my mind and the urge to type begins yet again. I sure as hell needed that week of having fun and not sleeping all that much. I also needed to get a bit drunk and sing loudly my favourite songs, to have epic conversations about books and music and to finally drown in my own insanity. Today I feel sane. I feel like me again. It took a couple of hours of reading to get me back on track with my plans, ideas, inspiration. 
The feeling may disappear soon with yet another mess but right now I know exactly what I want and I'm completely comfortable with my own thoughts. They are a good company when not mixed with the thoughts of certain people in my life that are still question marks in my world full of words. They don't fit - none of them. I want them to, each in a different way, but not enough to make me not freak out at the thought. 
Yes, last night wasn't my finest but I need the chaos of my emotions to drown me, just so I make sure I can still swim. It's funny how that one time I dreamt of drowning, I was talking to one of the said question marks and his company made me feel safe and relaxed in some weird way. Of course, that was probably my subconsciousness telling me that my other question mark who should be a full-stop but probably won't ever be, is not right for me the way I thought and wanted him to be. The lack of options is easy. It's when you know you have to choose when the hard part begins. I choose myself!
I need to learn to choose myself over everyone else for a change. Well, not in the fully selfish way, but maybe close to it. So I am going with my own plans which I've had for a long time but always ignored because someone else was more important. Who knew caring would turn into a flaw?!
What I am doing now, is letting the question marks find their own answers. Sure, I'd very much like to help, but I'd rather not. Because then it will be my choice again and my decisions haven proven to not be very smart lately. I'm done thinking. If something happens, I will decide. Since it hasn't happened, I will sit quietly in the comforting darkness and will think of Asha and how her purring made my day back then. It still would have, but if you love something, you can't keep it where it will be miserable. Now things are different, though. So I am also keeping the option of getting her back open.
I'm just calm and comfortable with myself and being by myself, which doesn't happen all that often and was worth mentioning. 

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